Stand By

A new year calls for a lot of things- a new blog entry for starters, new plans, resolutions, goals, fascinations, musings, wanderlusts even? Not sure that last one is even a word... feeling very thinky and wordy this evening (terrible combination for a writer with no readers!) But hey, I'm gonna spit anyway- feel free to join in.

This time last year I had a year of change ahead- moving from Southampton back home with the parentals, jobless and with no real plan in mind besides travelling. And looking back- I had quite a kick ass year. I had an awesome last few months in Southampton, came home and proceeded to bum around for the entire summer jobless. I had two holidays, one festival and a summer romance that turned into a real relationship. Then after a few false alarms job-wise I got one that would fit the bill... for now anyways.

I'm not where I thought I would be, but I'm happy- probably happier than ever actually. I'm not in the job I want to be in, no- but I don't dread going to work. I enjoy the work and like the people I work with- surely that's better than most jobs in itself? Besides I'm constantly reminding myself it's only temporary, so I take the con's of retail life with the pros fully aware it is not forever. I'm not living where I see myself living- again temporary before I travel and then pick a spot on the planet to inhabit. I'm in an incredibly happy relationship- which as you may have guessed from my previous post is quite the achievement. I have a loving family around me including the best sister in the world who I'm going to miss like hell when she's off surfing the coast of Australia (wait wasn't that my idea?!). I have awesome friends, who I don't see enough, but when I do it revitalises my love for life as I'm constantly inspired. All in all- I've got it good.

Saying that I do see (and hope for) this year to be one of change...again. Last year was full of new things and I want the same again. If I stay in the same place (metaphorically and actually) I feel stagnant like a forgotten beer. So I want some things for this year- not resolutions (GMTV told me they're bad for your health..) just 'things' I want to happen/see/do/think....

• READ more. Currently enjoying 'Love letters of great men'. Want some exciting fiction to inspire me.
• WRITE more. Haven't written anything in so long, makes me sad- awaiting inspiration and courage.
• DO more. In general. Maybe exercise a bit....go to more gigs, go to the theatre/museum/gallery....stop sitting on my arse on my days off basically.
• LEARN again. I miss lectures. I want a degree in philosophy...and photography...and anthropology....
• TRAVEL. It's part of the plan this year (again) if I don't do at least a little this year I'll have really let myself down.
• MOVE. Somewhere. Don't know who with, don't know where- but it's gonna happen.
• SEE my friends more (caps didn't do the intended job with that one did they?).

I think that's it. I'm sure I'll add more as the months wear on. This is probably the most I've written in weeks- already working on numero dos. Kudos to me.

X

The worst of me

I promised some actual writing, so here it is. I'm going to be brave and lay the worst of me on a platter for you (whoever you may be). As I'm sure a lot of writers would say- the worst of you always seems to produce the best writing- or is that just me? Either way here are a few carefully selected segments of my random writings over the past four years. I started writing random thoughts at uni and have built up over 7000 words of thought. Usually about my crap love life. To clarify these were all written when I was unhappy, or happy and being melodramatic. Take each word with a pinch of salt- I'm not really this depressing, it just makes for better writing. And looking back I realise how lucky I am now to have Antony (the boy) in my life. Anyway, enough mushy talk, here is the worst of me.

Tuesday 7th June 2005, 01:24
And so she is home, comforting herself with empty spaces, knowing the complications aren’t in this house. She warms up to her inner voice, smiles at the faces she wants to see. The faces she wants to block become like recurring nightmares, scenarios playing over in her head while the birds tease her to insanity. At least there is safety in the knowledge that they are all far away, both in distance and in time.

Saturday 13th May 2006, 17:18
This gaping space has become horrifyingly normal for her. She stares at the cracks on the wall whilst a numbness hits her hard. These painful dreams, these reincarnated tears, these broken record memories are wearing her thin. Injecting hearts onto her arm brings a smile before the jealousy rips it back. Her awkward hurt is now a companion. Something to hold to when there is nothing. Blank thoughts dance across the screen while the vague knife stabbing her does so without question nor answer. Shattered pieces of her pleasant memories get strewn across the town for her to photograph like a tourist.

Tuesday 29th August 2006, 18:37
The only thing raging in her chest is anger. Anger at him smothered in confusion. How dare he make her fears reality? How dare he throw her back to the wolves? What right does he have to crush her, what right do any of these men have? After doubting herself she screams to songs and allows the anger to flow. She screams at the self abuse, she screams at every thought leading her down that path, she screams for every scar on her body.

Sunday 11th March 2007, 16:59

There are no more tears to cry for the moment, she is sore and weary from drowning. Hope of this ending, hope of a release has died. Suffocated from her own breath, she sends a coffin full of hope off like a paper boat in a never ending sea. Slowly it falls into the distance as she accepts her fate. And what a fate it is. Collapsed on a bed of dreams she remains fallen. She accepts the pain and stares into it with no fear. She is beyond fear. She is beyond everything.

Friday 25th January 2008, 17:58
What to do on this remaining scrap of innocence? Begging to be defaced, determined to die dirty. With what graffiti to mark this canvas with? Words of wonder elude her as the irritant of strangers after her services grows. Just words she thinks. Destroy it with words and the actions will follow.

Sunday 18th May 2008
She has figured herself out. She is a writer that cannot spell. She is an artist trapped inside the body of someone that can’t draw. She is a creative that lacks the talent to transform her dreams into realities. There is only frustration, no fruition. This is all about to change she whispers to herself. Everything around her is dusty, begging to be cleaned. A new chapter is opening up. Change is upon her, and finally- finally, she embraces it. She revels in it in fact, it is becoming a new hobby. Routine and formalities have driven her to stagnant waters. She looks forward to newly appointed challenges and makes a pact with herself. Do it now, do it before it’s too late.

Thursday 12th June 2008, 01:33 AM
How can music do that? Reach into the bottom of your soul and reveal to you long forgotten emotions. God she loves it. These early hours are the best, when all are asleep but her and her new best friend- Mr Joslin. Oh how you move her, recreate tears that fell years ago. She thought they had died, gone forever- but you found them. You have decorated her sketched face with the artful little shapes. You are reminding her what her calling is, showing her it needn’t all be electrical nonsense- just passion. And her loves, (oh her loves), losses and continuing loneliness, you’ve found them too. Her mind is shooting scenes every second- various men take their turn in the role of leading man. He’s in bed with her and holds onto her naked skin for dear life. And you, good sir, are their soundtrack, and you are infuriating their imaginary passion and her real hurt. She thanks you for it, truly, nothing has moved her this far for years indeed. I think it was the push she needed to finally approach the belly of the beast. ..and secretly enjoy it.

Wednesday 30th July 2008, 12:29 AM
The lower half of her body has lost feeling. Sometimes she wonders if she will be able to walk again. Stuck in limbo she looks inwards for inspiration and entertainment. Her daydreams, as usual, provide the best. Another love interest has entered her life- but like so many others, he is planning to leave. Another relationship that will die prematurely. Perhaps the stranger she runs into every three years is the one for her. Fate certainly seems to want them to meet- how else would he have found her after all these years?
Her boredom needs a new word, the current one doesn’t begin to explain. She has too much time to think and at times she wonders if she will loose her mind. Thankfully all this is giving her fingers incentive to type, to record, to provide evidence. For if she truly disappears, as she fears she will, at least this will stand as proof. She lived! She wrote! She loved! She slept.

Monday 3rd November 2008, 15:47
He walks tall and with a purpose. His smile when he sees her is all she thinks about. When she’s with him all she feels is calm and supreme relaxation- there are no games being played here, no false words or stomach flips. When she sees his passions surface she smiles to herself. A man without passion or dreams is one without love. He has opened her eyes to a bigger world and reunited her with her own love for life and the accompanying soundtrack. His knowledge and fierce intelligence astounds her. His caring hands wrap around her instinctively. And she loves it.
Her romantic history to date has been full of hurt and bad luck…he has become her lucky charm, changing all of it in an instant. Others have tossed her to one side- but she thanks them for that, she was put there for him to find. Even fate seemed to want them to meet- bringing them together again and again in chance meetings over the years. Well, she thanks you fate for leading him to her. She knew there was a plan behind your games and is glad to finally see what it was. It was you.

Making plans

You know what I've noticed? nothing....and I mean NOTHING ever goes according to plan. I've been writing life plans since I first picked up a pen- nothing exact, just rough outlines of where I want my life to go. Hell it's one of my favourite pastimes. Yes, I've had many a life plan jotted in my diary and each one falls through for one reason or another.

After realising my future travelling buddies wanted to wait a bit longer for the adventure than me (totally understandable considering they're both on track to have fantastic careers and want to focus on that right now) I have decided I will have to do it alone. I've decided not to do the 6 month around the world thing yet either, because frankly- I'll never have the money for that. So now I'm thinking just a month or two doing a volunteer project somewhere. Possibly Fiji or Thailand. Maybe I'll just leave and see where the metaphorical wind blows me. As long as it isn't Camberley I'll be happy. Then when I come home I want to move out. Possibly to Portsmouth with friends, possibly Brighton alone. I would like a beach to dream by and a city to play in. I need somewhere with a music scene and writing jobs. For some reason the notion of picking up my life, moving to a new city alone and starting again totally enthralls me. I think it would be so refreshing. Obviously I would keep in contact with everyone...but to just be somewhere new and make a new life for myself. God it would be good.

But as I said, nothing goes to plan. I'll probably end up in the north pole living with an Eskimo and his pet seal. So I have an even better plan. Stop planning and enjoy the present. I live in my head too much, planning and scheming for the future when I should be sitting back and enjoying what I'm doing today. What is that quote? "Happiness is not a destination, it's a way of travel." Very true. Must remember that. And I have enjoyed today- a day in bed with my boyfriend watching 'Leon' and eating Chinese. Life's too short to get carried away with plans.

That is all I have for today. Next time I promise to write about writing or jobs I have- this is supposed to be a writers blog not an online diary...I guess even that one didn't go to plan.

Happy Halloween kids

Beginning of the twist

Well, it's been a while since I've had a little type on here hasn't it? The reason? I got a new job and was chucked even further into my personal limbo with it. The job is at River Island. I'm back where I started, literally gone full circle on myself. I am now the 'menswear product manager', which basically means I'm in charge of making the menswear floor 'visually appealing' and merchandise their stock for optimum sales....I move clothes around and dress mannequins. I had three weeks of training in Guildford and ending up travelling in between my sisters (where I stayed) and my boyfriends. During this three weeks my sisters old room at home became transformed into my new room and my old room became a holding room for my vast amount of crap that I've accumulated over the years. So in short- I was living out of a suitcase without a room to call my own, training for a job I didn't want and learning to love public transport. Pretty much my limbo optimised.


I'm pleased, however, to report that things are starting to settle down now. I started my job (officially) yesterday in Camberely.....and actually quite enjoyed it. I'm planning on keeping my eye out for any writing jobs in Camberley and if anything fantastic comes along I will bid farewell to the world of retail finally. In the meantime I'm going to enjoy what I do and have fun with it- after all it isn't forever. And I know I'll enjoy it more when pay day finally arrives (God I've missed paydays). I will continue to write in my free time (have idea's for a new short story and am now officially a contributor to the 'Don't Panic Media' website) and will start FINALLY saving for my travelling adventures.


I have started to move myself into my new room and am starting to feel at home. And I can now use my day's off productively, I can write and write and write until my fingertips bleed. I can steal all of my boyfriends music, lie back and get my official education. Speaking of the lover and music, he came up with a great idea of us putting together a fanzine. It is probably a dying art form now, but with his immense musical knowledge and my not-completely-crap writing skills, I really think we could make something good. It would be a fun hobby whilst adding nicely to my portfolio. And hey, might even make some money! After that we'll open our own independent record store/coffee house.....then of course the record label.....



In the words of the beautiful Kate Hudson in 'Almost Famous': "It's all happening"

(I don't know why there's three pictures...I can't delete one of them....lets pretend it was intentional art....I hate technology- where's my typewriter?)

Bestest Bestival Bever

Well that was fun wasn't it? Finally had the proper muddy festival experience. And yes, I'm going to write all about it (you know you care...). Set off Thurs evening with some uni buds (Luke, James and Lucy) in Luke's tiny fiesta. Did I mention he passed his test a week ago? Oh and that he had a sense of impeding doom? Yeah, I feared for my life. But turned out he was a great driver and had a lovely journey despite being squished by piles of bags. (Ferry check in man to Luke- "Just the two of you yeah?" Luke- "No, there's two more in the back, under the stuff" Me and James- *muffled crys* Ferry man- "Oh wow, you guys alive yeah? haha, go on through.")

Anyway- we got there! Pitched our tents (thank you Luke for helping me, I'm not the camping type apparently...) and after settling in to our new homes promptly got told by security that we were camped in a 'fire lane' (?!) and had to move by ten the next morning or our tents would get chucked. So that was nice. I slept for about five minutes that night and wondered what I'd let myself in for as the rain and wind threatened to blow me and my tent away. Anyway, upped and moved the next morning to a new spot and got ready for day one of soggy madness. Day one rained. A LOT. Thankfully my mum (bless her) lent me a pink and purple waterproof which saved me from pneumonia, and gained me cudos for my retro 80's look. I love that the less you bother to look cool the cooler you evidently become. We wondered around the site looking in on various tents, had a little dance and raved on.

James found the hidden disco which turned out to be the best place to warm up, dry off and rave it up, we spent a lot of time in there! Me and Luke headed to the main stage to watch The Foals and Pendulum as the heavens opened up. But when you're jumping around to you're favourite songs- who gives a s**t? The weather did put a bit of a downer on us that evening and Luke and I seriously considered sleeping in his car (mmm, heaters) but we decided Luke should instead move into my tent (His tent was pretty wet and I needed another body to warm my tent up) and we both had a much better nights sleep.

I'm not going to ramble on about every detail, as I'm starting to bore myself already. So I'll stick to some highlights!!! Which were:

• Pendulum and Foals in the rain (quote, JJ- "When does it ever rain this much...ever?!")


• Every trip to the hidden disco


• The wicker mushroom!


• Our neighbours on the campsite who provided genius comedy every morning. I would write some quotes....but it would offend too many people. Haha.


• Seeing Laura Marling (front row)


• Dressing up Sat night and posing for photo's (Me: "What does a fish do?")


• James' epic walk home alone. (Random to James at the tent: "Man, I was with you all the way. That was epic, I've seen March of the Penguins...that had nothing on you. Highlight of my weekend dude!")


• All the cool people we met


• The last night, "Wellies!", Legal (but should be illegal!) highs and Underworld.


• All the quotes: 'Man up woman!', 'Man down!!!', 'Swig on...swig on'

The people I went with made it the bestest bestival and I love them all. Bring on next year :D

This is me......I'm a fish.

Even more determined....

I turned the shoe shop job down. I decided if I have to work in retail I would rather not pay for the pleasure (Travel costs to Guildford etc.). So I'm back to unemployed. Massive mistake or liberating accomplishment? Somewhere in between I think. I have since signed up to an agency who are determined to find me a job where I can use my degree. But how long will that take? A month? Two? I can't go any longer without a job. I have an interview for a management position at River Island tomorrow. I used to work there part-time. Is pretty much a massive step backwards, but right now I hardly have a choice do I?

On the plus side- I'm off to Bestival tomorrow evening to forget about work stress and find myself....in the hidden disco. I'm going to dress up as a clown fish (fancy dress theme is underwater), paint my face, drink too much and dance like a mental patient. Then I'm going to come back, sit in the bath for hours, sleep, cuddle up to my boyfriend and get offered a fantastic job. How exciting :)

Right now I have a pile of travel brochures just dying to be perused. So I think I'll put on some Laura Marling, flick through them and dream about the future. Because that is my favourite thing to do. That and dressing like fish apparently.

Determined

Right, so I've finally got a job. It's another shoe shop. It's not a manager position...or assistant manager....or even a supervisor. I'm just going to be an assistant, standing around looking desperately for a foot to dress. Fantastic. I haven't started yet and already I don't want to go, (could ya tell?). It just isn't what I want, but what is it they say about beggar's and choosing? Bloody sayings.

I've just applied for an amazing job in communications, the job spec sounds perfect for me. Maybe they will call me before I start at shoe land and save me from a year of commuting and desperate boredom. God I can feel the dull details of every day wearing me down already. I need a job where I can develop skills, build up experience, use my degree for something!! I want to be challenged everyday, I want to feel excited about projects- I want more than stock takes and sales chatter. I am going to get what I want, I've decided. Life is too short to waste on stop-gap jobs. Why not forge a career before travelling and then have a wealth of experience to draw on when I get back? It is such a shame I live where I do, Camberley isn't exactly alive with media jobs. We'll see.

Feeling determined this evening. I blame the CD I'm listening to (a 'gurr rock' mix CD my new boyfriend burnt me), it is amazing and really getting my blood pumping. I want to take over the world right now. I have a gorgeous new boyfriend, amazing friends with whom I'm having the best summer with, a festival to look forward to, a slight tan, more freelance music journalism work coming up....It would be wrong to muddy my good luck right now with a crappy job. I will go to my new job with professionalism and a smile- but I will continue to look for something that holds my interest. Because at the end of the day, as lovely as shoes are, they're just shoes..... and I don't want to turn into a girl that makes orgasm noises when she sees these:

God they're like Barbie's sex shoes.