2014

Left to right: Jan = passed driving test / Feb = painting from my sister for my bday / March = dinner in the shard / April = new dress / May = BBQs and pink lippy / June = visiting friends in Zurich / July = cuddles with Sanka / August = volleyball in Southsea / Sept = top-down selfies / Oct = weekend with the girls / Nov = haircut / Dec = exploring Berlin

If I had to describe 2014 in one word, it would probably be 'challenging'. There were plenty of ups, plenty of downs and if anything, I certainly learnt a lot about myself. 

I passed my driving test and started the battle to get over my anxieties about driving. I turned 28. I ate some fantastic food at incredible restaurants. I travelled to Switzerland in the summer and Berlin in the winter. I attended two wedding receptions and two of my oldest friends got engaged to their partners. I visited friends in Southsea and ate at Pie & Vinyl twice. My family got a cat and I got a new cuddle buddy. I discovered red wine. My relationship ended. I cut my hair off. I went out drinking (a lot) and got 'escorted' out of a club. I said yes to as many social invitations as I could. I went to the cinema by myself. I became painfully aware of the limitations of my comfort zone. I spent Christmas with friends and family and loved it. I freaked out about the future.

Like I said, challenging.

So, what about 2015? If there's anything I've learnt this year, it's that life doesn't give a flying fuck about your plans - so I don't want to worry too much about making plans. I just want to live in the moment - be healthy, happy and mindful. The only plans I have made for 2015 is booking flights to Dubai to celebrate my birthday in the sun, drinking cocktails with a good friend. 

I'll save any resolutions or goals I make for another post. Until then - I hope you have had a lovely Christmas and are looking forward to a fresh start in 2015, I know I am.

what I've learnt

After almost two years in my current job writing about various health and wellness industries, I'd like to think I've learnt a fair bit. So, unsurprisingly perhaps, quite a few of these lessons have seeped into my personal life. I am certainly not an expert, but I thought it might be nice to share the few things that have gone from 'tips' I wrote about in a blog at work, to life-long habits. Let's see.

Mental health

1. Talking to someone always helps

Whether it's your family, a good friend, your boss or even a counsellor - when you're feeling low, talking is the best medicine. Don't feel embarassed or ashamed, we all have demons and mental health issues need to be discussed. 

2. Writing it down does too

If I'm feeling anxious or 'all in my head' about something, I find it incredibly helpful to write about it. This works especially well when you're trying to sleep but your brain is all "la la la, isn't thinking FUN?" give those thoughts somewhere to go - on paper.

3. There is little a long bath and a good cry can't fix

I always fall into the trap of trying to be "OK" even when I'm really not. And this isn't just in front of other people, this is to myself. So sometimes I need to remind myself that it is OK to not be OK. We all need to feel our feelings and burying them will do more harm than good. I recommend running a bath, having a good cry, feeling the pain and listening to Damien Rice. When you're done, wash your face, take a few deep breaths and write down everything you are grateful for.

Nutrition

1. Chewing gum can help stave cravings

I always crave sweet things after eating a meal, so I always carry gum and chew this instead. It gives me a sweet fix while being good for my teeth - winner! 

2. Snacking on fruit is where it's at 

I always have a punnet of fruit on my desk at work (usually blueberries) to snack on when hunger strikes. This usually stops me reaching for the biscuit tin and makes me feel better all round.

3. Giving in to temptation (occasionally) keeps you sane

I eat well during the week, but weekends are fair game. Chocolate brownie with my coffee? Hell yeah. A cheeky burger at the pub? Why not. I think eating everything in moderation is the best way to eat.

Fitness

1. Finding an exercise you enjoy is like looking for the 'one'

It may take a while, but when you've found it you'll know. Yoga is the only exercise I truly enjoy it and while I do other cardio bits to keep things ticking over, yoga really is the one.

2. Listening to your body is key

I try to break a sweat, build strength and stretch out a few times a week, but there are times when my body just can't do it. Tonight for example, I have a sore throat, my body is aching and all I want to do is sleep. So instead of my usual spinning and yoga routine, I've had a long bath and when I've finished writing this I will be lying in bed watching TV until I fall asleep. 

3. Exercise makes you feel frickin' awesome

This has only really kicked in recently, but I'm finally getting that endorphin rush everyone always harps on about. I feel calmer, more confident and generally happier when I'm exercising.

Beauty

1. Moisturising is essential, whatever your skin type

I cannot tell you how much clearer my skin has got since I ditched the spot treatments and moisturised instead. I have combination skin, but I was treating it like it was oily and tried to strip it of any natural oils. Now I use gentle products and moisturise morning and night.

2. Investing in skincare is worth it

I never used to be that into beauty or skincare, but since I started writing about it for work, I've become a tad obsessed. Now I spend more money in Space NK and relish my weekly face mask habit.

3. Being a girl is fun, take advantage

Again, in the past I never cared about nail varnish and I rarely experimented with my make-up, but you know what - it's really fun. Now I have two (yes TWO) bright lip colours (planning to get more) and a whole box full of nail varnishes.

Wow, that was quite a long one, hope I didn't lose anyone there. What have you learnt at your job?

talking to strangers

If there is one thing I would like to change about myself, it would be to be better at talking. As anyone who has ever met me will (probably) testify - I can be difficult to talk to. At first. Once I warm up and shake off my social awkwardness, I love a good chat. But even then, I don't talk for the sake of talking, I only speak if I feel I have something to contribute. This can come across as shyness, or even rudeness, but it isn't either.

There are days when I barely speak at all. Choosing to get lost in my own thoughts, read or listen to music instead, I can go from feeling desperately sad to hopeful in a day, with no one else being any the wiser. This isn't intentional, I don't actively shut people out - sometimes I just need to be quiet.

It therefore surprises me when circumstances lead me to talk to a complete stranger, and I feel strangely revitalised. On Friday night when myself and a friend found ourselves at Clapham Junction waiting for a delayed train, a burly looking chap made conversation with us. His name was Charleston and he was a pop artist by day and a doorman by night. He showed us his art on his phone and mocked my friend's fear of a nearby zombie-fied Ronald McDonald (it was Halloween). 

Now, I'll never see Charleston again - but this snatched insight into another person's world was fascinating. If I had a camera around my neck, I would have felt like Diane Arbus, roaming the streets of New York taking pictures of strangers. She was socially very shy, but with her camera she felt invincible and came to life when she entered other people's lives, no matter how briefly.

Fuelled by rum and boredom, on that platform I felt like Diane. I wanted to meet everyone in the world and find out what life looks like to them. I've been thinking about myself a lot lately - what does my future look like, where will I end up, what the fuck am I doing - so I think the reason I enjoyed this random conversation so much was because it got me out of myself. I burst my own security bubble and saw a world outside of my own.

I want to do that more. Maybe I'll take up a new hobby, or travel somewhere by myself. Maybe I'll take a camera and start my own Arbus-inspired anthropology project, who knows. All I know is that while a certain amount of introversy (is that a word?) is nice, it's time to take a deep breath and head into the unknown with the curiosity of an explorer and the bravery of a warrior. 

I'll let you know how I get on. 

staycation

I have taken this week off work for a much needed 'staycation', or as I like to call it - 'operation breathe and reboot'. The last few months have been somewhat full on in many aspects of my life (some in a good way, some in a less good way) and I was feeling stressed. Stressed to the point that all I wanted to do was sleep or watch TV - I even began to feel overwhelmed and anxious in social situations. As I became more run down with niggling sore throats and regular headaches I quickly realised that I desperately needed a break.

Now, a week in an exotic location with access to a luxury spa would have been ideal, but alas - a week at home would have to suffice. And while I may not be lounging on a beach soaking up some late summer sun, I am just a few days into my staycation and I already feel rejuvenated. Here's what I'm doing:

So far

- letting off some steam and taking silly photos at a garden wedding reception 

- eating nutritious and tasty foods like avocados, berries, olives and eggs

- lots of detoxing, strengthening yoga practices

- listening to music and reading  

- walking in the woods

Still to come 

- shopping for some transitional wardrobe pieces

- getting my eyebrows shaped

- face masks, body scrubs and DIY manicures (oh my)

- getting some boring appointments out of the way

- getting my car cleaned, inside and out

I suppose it all boils down to self-care; recognising when you're feeling run down and knowing when it's time to take a break. And also knowing what you need to do to really relax and rebuild yourself. I think over the last few years I've gotten much better at this - maybe yoga has helped me connect the dots between my body and mind, or maybe it's just something that comes with age. Either way, I'm glad I seem to be connected to myself.

 I'm feeling better already. 

lost souls

With no map or direction, the two lost souls found themselves at opposite ends of a jazz bar. One was sipping tea from a cup, the other was lighting a poorly constructed cigarette. Both their thoughts wandered far away from the conversations they were having, where words tumbled lazily from their lips. 

Drawn together by forces unknown, their eyes locked, both equally full of sadness. Seeking solace together, they ran from their surroundings to a nearby motel. As the sky turned black, they folded into each other. Telling their stories through their bodies, he kissed the scars of her youth while she gently outlined a birthmark on his shoulder. Escaped from reality, the lost souls felt free. 

As the morning light intruded on their slumber, the heaviness of reality retuned. Paying the bill with cold plastic, the souls thanked each other with polite words and a modest hug. Each returned to their lives, gripping onto reality with all the strength they could muster until their next chance meeting.

*****************************

Last night I watched Lost in Translation and remembered how much I love the film. The story of two lost souls seeking comfort in one another is told so beautifully. It stirred some creative juices that, to be honest, I haven't truly tapped into for a while. So I wrote this - my incredibly brief interpretation of the idea. Yes, it is pretty sad and perhaps not the uplifting prose one would want to read on a Saturday night - but hey, life isn't always sweetness and light. I like sad movies, sad songs and sad stories. I like a little darkness from time to time - it makes for good contrast.

My best writing has always happened when I'm a little sad - which is probably why I haven't written creatively for a while (damn you happiness!), but I have been through sad times in my life, and when a film or piece of music takes me back there - it is nice to turn those feelings into a story (even if they only end up on a neglected blog in the depths of cyber space). 

So here's to feeling sad every now and then - and embracing it. 

(p.s. - just to lighten the mood, how gorgeous is Scarlett Johansson's hair colour in that movie? obsessed)

moments

Recently there have been quite a few moments that have made me smile - most fuelled by sunshine, a few fuelled by chocolate. Whenever this happens, I like to really take it in. Sometimes - if I have a phone/camera on me - I take a photo, other times I close my eyes and take a mental snap shot. I think this simple act is an important part of being happy; taking the time to appreciate such moments helps you get by when things ain't so rosy. 

The moments I photographed:

bright pink lips for a sunny Sunday

al-fresco breakfast, chamomile tea, music & reading

favourite jewellery & favourite magazine

chocolate because, well... chocolate

The moments I didn't photograph:

coffee & croissants with my love

red wine, dinner & flat hunting

conversations with sanka cat

yoga in the sunshine

On reflection, none of these moments were particularly special - no birthdays, no landmarks, nothing deep and meaningful. Just perfectly ordinary events that, when looked at in the right light, are anything but. 

What moments have made you smile lately? 

treat yo'self

treats: seven course dinner, kraken rum, cos dress, anthropology earrings 

So lately, when it comes to spending money, I have been somewhat overindulging. In the past my spending habits resembled those of a hungover student - I can't afford that, that's far too nice for me - oh but is there a voucher? Most of my shoes came from Primark and I considered Urban Outfitters as the 'dream shopping destination'. Now, thankfully, my taste has matured - meaning that my spending habits have had to mature too.

Replacing my lust for Topshop and Urban Outfitters is Cos, Mint Velvet and Anthropology. And while I do still enjoy the odd Nandos, a proper meal out now typically takes place at Cote or a gastro country pub.

Sadly I'm not quite in the position yet where I can splash the cash, and I do still find it hard to part with my money (and I should really be saving for a house, hmmm) - but lately I've been treating myself. Nice rum, pretty dresses and rather extravagant meals out have made me both happy and a little poorer than I should be. But you know what - sometimes you have to flip off your sensible side and treat yourself. 

And I promise, as soon as me and Joe book a luxury all-inclusive holiday as a pre-mortgage hurrah, I'll go back to being sensible ;)

Have you treated yourself lately? 

spring clean

I know it's a cliche, but whenever spring rolls around all I want to do is clean and start afresh. The sunnier days make us reconsider all kinds of things - from our wardrobes, make-up and nail varnishes to exercise routines, diet and how we spend our free time. Suddenly we have more choices,

sandals or flip flops?

nude nails or neon nails?

pub garden or run in the park? 

(I think we all know the answer to that one)

and today, being warm, sunny and free of obligations, felt like the perfect day to kick spring off right - with some cleaning, new skincare and spring fashion mags in the sun. 

My skin has changed from oily and spotty teenage skin to blotchy, dry and yet somehow still spotty adult skin. So when buying skincare products I have to use a double pronged approach - keep skin hydrated and stop shine/spots. A bit tricky, but luckily there are lots of skincare products to help.

To cleanse I've recently started using Micellar water after a decade-long love affair with Liz Earle Cleanse & Polish. This particular variation of the French cult item feels like it cleanses really well, doesn't irritate and leaves my skin feeling hydrated. My only gripe? It takes quite a lot of work to remove my stubborn eye make-up.

To moisturise I wanted something to hydrate and control shine at the same time - and again, I turned to the French. I treated myself to a La Roche-Posay moisturiser that controls sebum and tightens pores. I've only used it once so far, so I can't judge yet - but so far, so shine-free.

Finally I wanted something to brighten up my complexion and Clarins Beauty Flash Balm does this wonderfully. I'm hoping by the time summer hits, these products will help my skin to be smooth, spot-free and happy. 

After slathering my skin in these lovely products I cleaned my room from top to toe - it's incredible how much a tidy, clean room can soothe the mind. Then I headed outside to sit among the flowers, read about spring silhouettes in Elle and watch Sanka chasing butterflies. It was lovely until my hayfever kicked in and I couldn't see my magazine through watery eyes and sneezing fits.

So now I'm inside, with tea and tissues - but I'm still excited for spring. 

Just need to stock up on benadryl.

newness

This month has been full of all kinds of lovely newness - new experiences, new ink and even a new pet. One of my favourite quotes of all time is:

"The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences."

So this inbound of newness feels revitalising to me. The first 'new' thing I was treated to was a fabulous day out in London with my love. OK, so I have been to London before - but I've never been to the top of the Shard to eat the best damn lamb chops I have ever tasted. I've also never seen a hanging skull in a random doorway - so, the experience felt quite new to me ;)

Next bit of newness was my new ink! My beloved Thailand tatt got a bit of a facelift and I got my waxing gibbous moon symbol on the back of my neck (will get a pic soon). My arm is well on its way to being healed and the colours are looking fab - it is quite a statement, but I love the impact is has.

Meet Sanka - my parents new cat :) named after the character from 'Cool Runnings' Sanka is the happiest little dude ever. He's been with us for just over a week and as you can see from the pics - he is right at home. 

Ahhh the new dress - is there anything better? This beauty was an impulse buy from the Whistles sale - purchased purely because the colours make me happy. My last pic was taken last night at a gig in London and again, I have been to a gig before - but this was the first gig me and Joe have been to together and it was the first time he'd seen the band and gig venue. Was a brilliant night and reminded me how much I love a little live music.

 The month of March was topped off with some sporadic days of sunshine, a vintage car boot sale and several long weekends which were just lovely. Next month is set to be a good one too - there's a long weekend in Centre Parks, Joe's birthday, and chocolate day!! (ahem, I mean Easter).

I think it's safe to say spring is off to a wonderful start. 

songbird

Music is a huge part of my life. While I may not go to gigs as much as I would like, and my brief foray in the world of music journalism was unfruitful to say the least, I still find great happiness in the simple act of listening to music.

I've often said on here that I feel my most content when my head is happily wedged in between a set of headphones, and I have a variety of Instagram pictures to prove it. 

(after all, nothing's real unless it's captured on Instagram, right?)

The music I love so intensely doesn't make me want to leap from my seat and dance. It soothes me and, more often than not, it moves me. Every song I fall for has a specific moment I can pinpoint to the second - a key change, a rhythmic interval, whatever - that forces me to stop what I'm doing and just listen.

I close my eyes and lose myself for three minutes at a time. I think about life. I think about Joe. I wonder whether or not *this* would be the perfect song to dance to at my wedding.

The following songs are current favourites and, to paraphrase Zooey Deschanel in 'Almost Famous', 

"Listen with a candle burning, and you'll see your entire future."

Peggy Sue - Idle

Peggy Sue - February Snow

Peggy Sue - The Sea, The Sea

(Yes, I like Peggy Sue)

Bon Iver - Skinny Love

Ben Howard - Black Flies

The Civil Wars - Dance me to the end of Love

The Civil Wars - Devil's Backbone

Fleetwood Mac - Big Love & I'm so Afraid (both from the live 'The Dance' album)

James Vincent McMorrow - Wicked Game (cover)

Ludovico Einaudi - Experience

Sea of Bees - Wizbot

There are plenty more where that came from, but if I listed every song that made my heart smile, I would be here all day. Do let me know which songs move you, I love adding to my collection.

 Here's a peek into my musical world - the song I have on repeat right now:

waxing gibbous

For those interested in what my next tattoo is going to be - here it is. It's a glyph for the 'waxing gibbous' moon phase. This is the phase when the moon is on it's way to being full, but isn't quite there yet. It's a time for learning, growing and starting new things. 

All in all - it's where I am in my life right now.

I'm planning on getting it on the back of my neck so I can show it off whenever I please with a quick change in hairstyle. I'm also planning on getting the cherry blossoms on my arm coloured in - I'm thinking bright blues and yellows. 

I keep seeing TV shows like 'My Tattoo Hell' trying desperately to warn people from getting tattoos, but ironically it just makes my want to get more. I love every inking on my body as they each tell a story.

The wonky star on my stomach reminds me of my fresh start at University, while the flowers on my arm remind me of that time I travelled to Thailand. The Tibetan symbol on my wrist represents the strength it took me to overcome Anorexia. The feathers falling from my ribs denote my freedom from depression, and the star residing on my foot will forever remind me of my sister. I have script to remind me to keep dreaming and a heart to signify family.

To onlookers they may appear messy, but to me they are perfect.

28

Happiness is sitting in fleece pyjamas, cup of tea in hand, reading Oh Comely magazine and listening to music by Peggy Sue.

Probably not for you - but for me, this is happiness. Of course, other things make me happy - but little else stirs my imagination and evokes warm fuzzy feelings of content the way this series of events does.

It was my birthday yesterday and as I hurtle head first towards the end of my 20s I feel as if I know myself better than ever. I know what makes me happy, I know what makes me sad and more importantly I know what I need to work on. I know that I enjoy routine, from the series of yoga moves I practice every evening to my specific pattern of tea/coffee consumption Monday–Friday - and I know that change both empowers and terrifies me.

I know that I have a long way to go and that I am far from the finished article. 

My birthday weekend was the epitome of this. I drove myself and Joe to Guildford on Saturday filled with gusto and proceeded to kiss a brick wall with the front of my car, shattering any illusions I may have had about being a confident driver. I quickly realised this was likely to be the first of many mistakes I'll make and calmed myself down. Saturday night I put on a nice dress and drank dark and stormys with friends, an evening that started off civilised and ended with bacon sarnies. 

On Sunday (my actual birthday) I enjoyed my hangover in GBK and muttered the phrase "I'm too old for this s**t" more than once. My mum baked me brownies, my sister painted me a beautiful picture and Joe spoiled me with presents and plans. Today I took the day off work to spend my birthday money before embracing the fleece pyjamas Joe's mum got me and settling in for an evening of reading.

Now I have been suitably inspired, I will probably scoff some of the many chocolates gifted to me by friends and watch Grey's Anatomy. 

So while I may not be the most mature person my age, in between turning 27 and turning 28 I feel I've grown more than other years. A sentiment I'm choosing to celebrate with a tattoo. Is this mature or wise? Probably not. Do I care? Hell no. It's my birthday and I'll ink if I want to.

Here's to another year of growing. 

taming butterflies

This week I have been scared. And by that I mean, more scared than normal. I don't suffer from panic attacks, I don't have an anxiety disorder, but man do I get a mean case of the butterflies. To an outsider butterflies may seem frivilous and weak, but to me they are ferocious.

When I was younger I loved horror films, roller coasters and climbing trees. But now I'm older and wiser, I'm more afraid. I'm pretty sure if I passed my driving test at 17 I would be cruising all over the place without a care in the world, but at 27? It makes me pretty anxious driving without a second pair of eyes looking out for me. This anxiety usually dissipates once I get going and I remember that I am perfectly capable of driving, but for those few minutes in the interim I find it hard to breathe.

Annoyingly for me, when I get anxious my body lets me know via headaches, palpitations and a pissed off digestive system (all of which I've been quietly battling this week). So, rather than sit around complaining about it - I grabbed all the tools available to me. This is what helps me tame the butterflies:

Exercise - it can really help to channel that nervous energy into something physical.

Yoga - offering you time to breathe, stretch and focus only on what your body is doing, yoga is often my saviour.

Mindfulness - when things get overwhelming I root myself in the present and concentrate on what's going on around me. I need more practice with this, but it is really helpful.

I know my anxiety about driving will ease as I get more experienced and I hope that these tools will keep me calm in the meantime. I should also point out that alongside this anxious feeling I get about driving is a feeling of exhiliration. No more waiting for the bus in the rain. No more phone calls to my dad for a 'lift'. It is awesome and I know that, I'm just battling through a few butterflies to get there.

Do you have any butterfly-taming tips?

growing up

This week... has been a good week. The best part was probably (definitely) yesterday when I passed my driving test with just two minors. And I had a parallel park, the most fear-inducing manoeuvre of all manoeuvres. The first time I took the test I was a bag of nerves and made one silly mistake that lead to me failing. This time it would appear luck, and confidence, were on my side. 

Being a 27 year old woman who lives with her parents and can't drive really messes with your head. There are times when I look at how successful other people my age are and wonder - what the hell did I do wrong? But you know what I've come to realise - I was figuring myself out. I went to university, got a degree and spent a year living like a student after it was over (and somehow managed to have an awesome time living with friends on a pitiful retail manager's wage). After that I saved to travel to Thailand. After that I fought for years to get a writing job, and eventually, one year ago - I got it.

Now I feel I can take control of those missing bits that make you feel like a 'grown up'. I learnt to drive. I'm planning to move out with the love of my life. I drink tea and coffee now (and I'm trying to like red wine and olives).

So, yeah - it may have taken me a bit longer to get here than most people, but I think for the first time in my adult life I can safely say, it's all starting to come together.

Other things I did this week:

drank yummy coffee in Guildford

went on Pinterest more than I would like to admit

took the healthy option when it came to pudding (greek yoghurt, blueberries & honey)

saw some candy floss skies

How was your week? 

this week

Has anyone else found it incredibly difficult to pull themselves out of hibernation mode from Christmas? Well, this week I finally dragged my ass out of it. I've started exercising and practicing yoga again, I'm blogging again (obvs) and I've pushed my driving test forward so I can finally get it done and out of the way. On top of all that productiveness, I've also done the following:

went out for lunch with my love and enjoyed an elderberry fizz

got inspired by Oh Comely magazine

caught a glimpse of my mum's past life in Jamaica

wore my lovely necklace I got for Christmas

watched lots of Grey's Anatomy and cried (a lot)

used some sleep balm to help me drift off to sleep

ate lots of blueberries

I also downloaded an album by Piers Faccini because I heard this amazing song on an episode of Grey's:

 What did you do?

guess who's back...

Yeah, I'm back. For how long? Who the hell knows. All I know is that I miss writing for fun, for myself - and I want to start doing it again. And my trusty blog Limbo, with it's trendy handwritten fonts and illustrated versions of me is where I'll be doing it.

I've come to the realisation that I am not a fashion blogger. As hard as I may have tried in the past - documenting my outfits and trying to think up witty post titles just isn't my bag. I love reading these kinds of blogs, don't get me wrong, I just found it exhausting trying to do it myself. I also felt as if I was spending too much time trying to look like I was having an awesome life - rather than actually living one.

So that's what I've been doing since my last post - living life. I've been working, playing, laughing, kissing, crying - all that jazz. Sometimes I take photos of it (Instagram: @katnicholls), sometimes I forget. For now, I'm just committing to writing a blog once a week (probably Fridays) telling you about my week and possibly slipping in a bit of creative writing/rambling.

We'll see where it goes.

I'm not sure if anyone will bother reading this anymore and I don't expect anyone to. I'm kinda treating it like a diary for now and if anyone wants to take a peek and join in - that's great.

First proper post will be on Friday, maybe I'll see you then?