goodbye 2016 and goodbye Limbo

We're getting close to 2016 being over and I think we can all say - thank God fuck. 

2016 was the year we lost a tremendous amount of talent in the music and acting world. 2016 was the year of Brexit. 2016 was the year Trump got voted to be president. It was the year we all got a little more afraid of what the future will bring. It was the year all (OK, most) of us felt like we'd taken a huge step back as a society. 

But that wasn't all 2016 was. For all of us I'm sure, 2016 had some dazzling highlights.

For me, it was the year myself and my friends turned 30. It was the year I spent more quality time with them celebrating this fact then ever before, involving weekends away, fancy meals and a frankly unbelievable amount of prosecco. 

It was the year I got to stand next to one of my best friends and watch her marry the love of her life. It was the year I abseiled down the Spinnaker tower for charity. It was the year I felt more connected to my feminist side. It was the year I got promoted. It was the year I fell deeper in love than I thought was humanly possible.  

So yeah, the year's ending feels a little bittersweet. 

2017 right now looks bright, but a little hard to make out. Like I've looked at a bright light for too long and am trying to walk straight. I'm not sure what it'll bring, but I have things I want to accomplish (as ever). What's important I think is seeing, or feeling, what you want and keeping that picture in mind with every action. With every breath. 

Everything we do, every choice we make is a chance to get closer to that. It's also about accepting what is, and enjoying the journey. If we can enjoy the every day moments that make life a little brighter, look after ourselves as well as our loved ones and keep that picture in mind with every breath... I think 2017 will be OK.

With this being said, I've made a choice to say goodbye to my Limbo blog and start afresh with a new, more focused blog. I've been blogging here on and off for 8 years, but I've come to the point where I need to move away from ramblings about myself and try to do something... a little more constructive.

So, I've created 'Blue Jay of Happiness', a new blog where I'll focus on three things: health, happiness and hope. I'm sure I'll still end up rambling about myself (write what you know, right?) but I'll also attempt to end each post with something helpful. Something actionable. Something people reading can actually feel inspired by after.

That's my hope anyway. I'm aiming to write twice a week and already have my first three months of content scheduled, because I am a maniac. But also because I am inspired and invigorated to have a cleaner, more streamlined space to type into.

I would love you to join me there, my first post will go live New Year's day. If you don't fancy making the trip, that's fine too. Thank you for taking the time to read this hench post, and for sticking with Limbo this long - I'm giving you all medals in my head.

Celebrate the end of 2016 with joy, gratefulness and a lot of alcohol (it has been a bit of a doozy) and welcome 2017 with determination, excitement and awareness.

See you on the other side x

oneirology

Oneirology - the study of dreams

I have a tattoo on my ankle of the word 'somnio'. It means 'to dream' in Latin. I got it because I've always thought of myself as a dreamer, in every sense of the word. I almost always remember my night dreams, I can get lost in a sea of daydreams and I can while away hours dreaming of the future, what it'll look like and who'll be there at my side.

I've been thinking about dreams lately, and how our subconscious often does a much better job of telling you how you're feeling than your conscious. Here are some dreams I've been having a lot lately.

Teeth falling out

I had this one last night. I was losing my voice, unable to speak more than a whisper and then my tongue gently prodded at my bottom tooth. It easily flipped up out of my gum and I spat it onto my hand. Terrified, I felt the rest of my teeth with my tongue to check they were intact, and of course the gentlest of nudges simply pushed them free from my mouth.

Previous dreams of this nature involve my teeth crumbling, making me retch on the fragments, choking on myself.

What it means: According to Google this common dream can mean any of the following: 

Transition (something in your life changing)

Insecurity (feeling like you aren't being treated right, doubting yourself)

Anxiety (scared of losing control/something important to you)

Sexual repression (Oh Freud, it's all about sex with you isn't it?)

Needing a toilet, but they are all too disgusting to use or don't have locks

Urgh, this is horrible. I find myself wandering labrynth-type buildings on the hunt to find a toilet, only to be met with ones that are so incredibly disgusting I can't use them. Or they'll have no lock, or no door. Or there'll be hoards of people watching. Not pleasant.

What it means: Apparently the bathroom is where one deals with their own 'crap' (ahem). 

'When a dream states that the bathroom is dirty, full or back-flooded, then it means that process of addressing one’s own crap is amiss. It can also symbolise a lack of privacy in one’s life, but more often is a result of neglect on the part of the dreamer.'

Lucid dreams

When I know that I'm dreaming and can take control. If I'm in a scary dream, I can change the outcome or wake myself up. Sometimes, I'll have a little fly - just because I can.

What it means: According to Wikipedia - 'In Eastern thought, cultivating the dreamer's ability to be aware that he or she is dreaming is central to both the Tibetan Buddhist practice of dream Yoga, and the ancient Indian Hindu practice of Yoga nidra. The cultivation of such awareness was common practice among early Buddhists.'

I do have nice dream sometimes, but lately they seemed to be full of shadows and doubt. I've dreamt of past relationships, me driving cars I've never driven before to get away from them, failing to carry out simple tasks at work...

Ironically though, my daydreams are full of sunshine. I'm fabricating scenes from a desired future, willing them to manifest. I'm picturing the way my life will look and feeling an incredible sense of serenity and calm. It's like I'm in a storm, but I can see clear skies on the horizon.

There are people in my life right now going through their own personal storms and today I felt the weight of their clouds. For some, the storms are hurricanes... obliterating life as they knew it, making mine seem truly like a storm in teacup. 

Regardless of the size or nature of these storms though, I think what I'm trying to say is that we all go through them. And that's the key bit - we go through them. We reach the other side, where the clear skies and sunshine are hanging out, blissfully unaware you were anywhere else. 

My storm is my own creation, allowing stress to build and fuelling it with inactivity and wine. Next week I've got a break in Cornwall to look forward to. I will breathe the sea air, look to the clouds above and take in my surroundings, whatever the weather.  

the best and worst 30-year-old purchases

In September I got my deposit back from the flat I was living in and a bonus from work. I was also living back at my parents so had less outgoings than normal, this made the following statement pop into my head:

"I'm going to start saving for a house!"

Haha - nah, not really. It was this:

"I'm going shopping!"

And thus, over the following weeks I made (and planned) some purchases. Some of which were fun, some of which were downright depressing. Here they are:

The fun things

A 'proper' handbag 

I've never been a huge 'bag person'. I buy them very rarely and usually out of necessity rather than longing, but recently I began hating my existing work bag with a passion I didn't know I had. The lining was coming away, it felt clumpy, there were too many compartments - every time I threw it over my shoulder I did so with a disgruntled sigh. So I decided now was the time to invest in something a bit longer-lasting and 'grown up'.

I wanted black. I wanted leather. And I wanted simple (chic, non?). I found this from Whistles and fell in love. The price tag however, I didn't love so much. But I was feeling flush so said 'fuck it' and made the purchase. It arrived yesterday and I love it. 

Yes, it is smaller than my old bag with less compartments and yes I have had to streamline my bag contents (my old oyster card, random red lipstick and Rennies didn't make the cut), but I still love it. It will last me longer than my usual bag purchases and makes me happy as I stroll into work feeling like a Vogue editor.

A million jumpers from Zara

OK, I may be exaggerating a tad there. But seriously, have you been into Zara recently? Their knitwear section is what us constantly cold folk call 'nirvana'. I got the same jumper in two colours, a cardigan and a green top which I'm still not sure I'm cool enough to pull off, but hey. 

This influx of clothing prompted a wardrobe clear out this week, summer stuff has gone into storage, winter stuff has returned and a bin-bag full of old/stretched/under-worn pieces is on its way to a better place (The British Heart Foundation). My wardrobe is still pretty full, but I can now see every item and have shiny new things to wear. I know things shouldn't make you happy, but sometimes they bloody well do. 

Fancy perfume

Oh Jo Malone. Why did I have to fall for you so hard? You are so lovely but so damn pricey. When I was sniffing testers in Jo Malone trying to justify the expense I just told myself, "You're in your 30s now, just bite the bullet and hand over your card. One day you'll (probably) have things like a house and children to pay for - now is the time to enjoy the finer things in life." 

So yes, I now flounce around smelling like jasmine and mint. And that's just fine. 

New shiny, pretty car

I haven't bought it yet, but I'm going test driving this weekend and have my deposit burning a hole in my pocket. This is an exciting car purchase for me, my current car is my first car, and as lovely as it is, it's old, the heating doesn't work and it's stuck on Radio One. It's getting chillier now and I've always been more of a Radio 6 gal anyway, so the time has come to make an upgrade.

I think I'll end up with a mint green Fiat 500 - which is just the right mix of pretty and reliable (keeping both myself and my dad happy). 

The less fun things

Dental floss

I don't know why, but I find buying dental floss the most depressing thing ever. It's probably because my dentist never believes me when I tell him I floss, so part of me thinks 'what's the point?'... but equally, it's a habit now and I feel gross if I don't floss - so I have to buy it. See? Depressing.

Skinny jeans

After having my back to a camera and being filmed at a recent work event (I was talking to someone at an expo), I noticed my grey skinny jeans are no longer skinny. They are baggy and unflattering. I therefore need to replace them - yay I thought! More clothes shopping! After finding out that my trusty Gap jeans don't come in grey (WTF?) I ventured online and found a pair at HnM.

I ordered the size I would normally get at Gap and got excited for another cheeky wardrobe addition. They arrived today and after battling with them for 20 minutes, I came to the conclusion that they might be just a little too small. And too long. Which obviously means I have gotten both shorter and fatter since I last went jeans shopping. Brilliant. 

Instead of sucking it in, I've decided to suck it up (heh) and order the bigger/shorter size. I will also be living in the gym from now on and wandering the streets trying to locate those missing 2 inches in height.

Batteries

The most boring of all purchases, right? Every time I use my TV remote I moan as I have to pummel the battery pack into submission to get the damn thing to work, making a mental note as I do so to buy batteries. 

This has been going on for like, 2 months, until today when someone at work picked up batteries at lunch and reminded me to get some too. Feeling slightly lifted, I congratulated myself at 'adulting' and buying batteries. I then came home to discover my dad had some in the house all along. All those remote slaps for nothing. 

So yeah, these are a few fun and less fun purchases of a 30 year old. 

Not entirely sure what the point of this blog is except to say, it's nice having a little more money than I used to, to spend on such purchases. I'm going to start saving for things like flat deposits next month (after the car purchase!), but it's been fun being a little frivolous in the meantime. 

Our place

A couple of months ago I entered a short story competition held by Dragonfly Tea, and didn't win. I wasn't expecting to win, or even be shortlisted, I just wanted an excuse to stretch my fiction writing muscles. And it was fun! I haven't written anything longer than 500 words (fiction-wise) for a long time. Was nice to put a little more thought into the story than my usual flash-fiction bits. 

Anyway, seeing as I didn't win, I thought I'd put it here for anyone interested. The theme was "discovery" and it has dialogue and everything (like a real story!).

Our place

The one thing Anna kept of her mothers was her diary. On those particularly sad days, when the weather seemed to reflect her mood, she would make herself a cup of tea and shut herself away to read her mum’s words.

Today was one of those days. She had argued with her husband and needed advice. It was always these moments when the absence of her mother hit her hardest. And so she boiled the kettle and pulled out the diary.

Instantly she felt that strange mix of comfort and regret. Reading her mum’s musings about daily life made Anna feel close to her again, but at the same time a sense of ‘what if’ stung her sharply. What if she had never gotten sick? What if she was here today? What if she had lived and got to witness her daughter get married and meet her first grandson?

Breathing deeply Anna tried to put those questions aside. As she wiped away the hot tears from her cheek, she noticed a slip of white poking out from the lining of the diary. Intrigued, Anna began to pull at it, careful not to rip the fragile paper. It slowly revealed itself to be some pencil drawings, arrows and a few scrawled directions. It was a map.

With a furrowed brow, Anna rifled through her memory to place the descriptions. The map was titled ‘Our place’.

“Rich, look at this, where do you think this is?”

As quickly as it had enveloped them, the tension from their previous row dissipated.

“Looks like Hope Cove, near your parents old place. Where did this come from?”

“Mum’s old diary, it was in the lining.”

Anna paused. She remembered the house in Hope Cove, but she still couldn’t picture where this map was trying to describe.

“Do you think we could go there?” She asked her husband; suddenly it seemed imperative that she see this place.

“I mean, yeah, we could. We would have to plan it though, it’s quite a drive and we’ve got Jacob to think about too.”

“Well, he could come – we could make a little holiday of it.” She countered.

“OK, sure, let me look into it. A bit of a break might be good for us anyway.”

She looked at him, suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude and gave him a long hug. Holding in every emotion that was trying to spill out from her she said, “Thank you.”

After a couple of evenings on the Internet and on the phone to her dad, the trip was planned.

“Dad doesn’t know what ‘our place’ means.” Anna commented while buckling her seatbelt.

“That’s odd.” Replied Rich.

“He said they had plenty of special places, but none of them were near Hope Cove.”

Rich offered a non-committal ‘hmm’ whilst worrying that it may be an ‘our place’ from a previous relationship.

Anna had always been especially close to her mother and idolised her. He worried that this trip could lead them somewhere unwanted. He turned to her and asked one last time, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes. I’m sure.”

And with that, they started their drive, with folk music on the radio and Jacob babbling in his car seat.

After a few hours and two toddler tantrums, they arrived at their B&B. It was cosy, child friendly and smelled like the seaside. Anna hadn’t been back to Devon since her mother passed away. She always thought it would be too painful, but the nostalgia that came with the sound of seagulls and scent of fish and chips in the breeze eased her fears.

Settling in for the night, Anna was both excited and nervous about the trip to ‘our place’ tomorrow. She poured over the map one last time before bed, noting the tiny hearts dotting a path to what appeared to be a beach. ‘Where do you want me to go mum?’ She questioned silently, before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Loading the car the next morning, Anna had given up trying to understand the significance of ‘our place’.

“Let’s just go, see what it is and then we can get ice creams and just enjoy the seaside.” She rationalised aloud.

Rich nodded and began to follow the Satnav to Hope Cove while Anna entertained Jacob in the back. He then switched to the directions from the map, asking Anna to navigate. They parked up on some grass to follow the rest of the map on foot.

The directions were vividly written, it wasn’t “Right at the big rock”, it was “Right at the rock that looks like a giant bear.” Her mum did always have a way with words.

Soon they found themselves on a tiny spit of sand, completely separate from the rest of Hope Cove. There were small rock pools lining the edges and a couple of bushes dotted around. It was like a private piece of serenity amongst a busy seaside town.

Looking at the patterns of the rocks, Anna’s memory jolted.

“I’ve been here before.” She murmured, taking in every sight and sound meticulously.

Like an old stop-motion animation, her memories came trickling back.

Her mum brought her here when she was a toddler. Just the two of them. They would explore the rock pools and paddle in the sea. Her mum would have a flask of tea and would talk to Anna about her day, even though she was too young to comprehend. ‘Maybe that’s why I always make tea when I read her diary’, Anna thought.

Her eyes welled up, “This is our place. Mine and my mum’s.”

Rich took her in his arms, feeling his own tears falling to join Anna’s. He sat her down on a mound of sand and picked up Jacob, placing him happily on his knee.

“Well, why don’t we make it our place now too.”

She looked up at her husband’s kind eyes and her son’s smiling face.

“I like that idea.” She said, with happy tears replacing her sad ones.

“It will be our place.” She said with a sigh, “Thanks mum.” 

focus and keep aiming

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming."

I came across this quote recently and it felt incredibly timely. Yesterday I moved out of my lovely rented flat and back to my parents. Anyone who knows me well will know how long I spent trying to get the necessary money and circumstances together to move out... so to be moving back again has hit me hard. This is no reflection on my parents - they are always incredibly supportive of me and wonderful to live with. What bothered me more was feeling like I was taking a step back, while everyone around me was moving forward. 

The original plan was for me to go with my flatmate to live by the sea. I chose not to. Finding both a job and a person you love is very rare, and I am not ready to leave either. My situation in my childhood home is a temporary one though; I am hoping to move in with another friend soon to spend just a little longer in this area. And then there will be change. 

I will follow the people and passions that light up my life, wherever that may be. I can see my future and it is full of happiness and love... and I'm feeling impatient, like I did in the backseat of the car on family holidays to Cornwall, whining "are we nearly there yet?".

I've done my best to make my room a sanctuary for the time-being though, surrounding myself with positivity and prettiness in the hope of settling my restless thoughts. And now, as I write this, I feel sufficiently settled. Like the arrow, I merely need to focus, and keep aiming. 

BOB

I'm sure I've mentioned it before on this blog, but my friends are pretty damn talented. So talented in fact that I can't help but shout about it here. The latest creation to come from one of my good friends is BOB.

BOB is a glasses case that doubles up as a device holder and office tidy. As a specs wearer and tech lover myself, I got particularly excited about this! First off, can we take a second to talk about the design of BOB?? From the logo to the case itself, it is smart, chic and minimalist. The fact that is has so many different uses makes it feel incredibly 'now' if that makes sense. As well as being a home for your glasses, it can be used as a device stand and to organise your bits and bobs (whoa, is that where the name BOB came from? If so - genius).

Effectively it is something that can slip into your everyday routine and make it better, without you putting in any extra effort. And isn't that the ultimate aim of products these days?

Anyway, I want one, so have ordered one! The product is on Kickstarter and has already hit it's goal, which means it will be made - yay! But pledges are STILL needed to get more funds so they can make lots of BOBs! If you want one, or want to find out more about the project, take a peek at their Kickstarter page.

For pretty pictures and other fun things, follow BOB on Facebook and Instagram.

The future's bright - the future's BOB.

Story for a song - drive

Today at work I was looking at spreadsheets and stats, so a lot of numbers. As interesting as this is in relation to my job, it makes my brain hurt. When I got home I decided I needed a creative release. I haven't written creatively for a long time, and really want to flex my fiction muscles again. So I searched for creative writing exercises and found a great one - story for a song.

The idea is to take a song and its lyrics, and use this as a starting point for a story. As I found this exercise, I was listening to 'Drive' by Incubus. This is one of my favourite songs anyway, but it has taken on even more meaning after it played at my friend's wedding last weekend. We were all dancing in a circle when the song came on and we were singing the lyrics, which couldn't have been more apt, to each other the whole time.

I took this as a sign that I should write a story based on this song. I noted a few other writing prompts from other sites ('morning' and 'a beautiful place you've visited') so my story takes place on a sunny Costa Rican morning. I wanted to sneak at least one line from the song in there, and I managed it at the end. It's only a mini story, but I like micro-fiction (less is more sometimes). 

The sun was creeping up from the horizon, lightly touching the alloys as it went. Taking a sharp breath in, the morning air was cool and refreshing, - like a drink I hadn’t realised I needed. That’s how I knew today was the day.

I sat in the drivers seat and took a moment to soak in the sunlight and my surroundings. The breaking light was waking up the rainforest, coaxing its usual beautiful song. Setting off on the dirt track I knew exactly where I was headed. The future.

The fear that used to drive me was replaced with a sense of ease, a sense of knowing. I was driving now, and what a drive it was turning into.

I reached a corner overlooking the beach and decided to pull over. The red macaws flew overhead towards the sea, drawing my line of vision along with them. The sea was calm yet determined, crashing over the rocks with careless abandon. At that moment I felt like I was the only person on earth.

Cruising along the coastline I thought about my destination. I didn’t know what it looked like, but I knew that whatever it held for me, I would be there with open arms and open eyes.

30

Thought I would keep up with tradition and write up a birthday blog post (feel free to peruse 28 and 29 when you get a chance) and this one's a biggie - 30! I say it's a biggie, it isn't really. I know it should be some sort of milestone, but it isn't really to me. If you read my 30 things to (not) do before 30 post, you'll know what I mean.

Still, I do love any excuse to reflect on the past year and think about the next one. In my 29 post I suspected the year would be one of exploration and travel - and I'm pleased to report that it most certainly was. 

Kicking off my 29th year in Dubai was a good start. I then went to Budapest in June for good food, lots of dancing and a little too much Palinka. In November I stepped things up a notch and went to Costa Rica to learn how to take better pictures and master a headstand in yoga (well, kind of). This spurt of travelling helped me burst my self-imposed security bubble. I challenged myself. I felt uncomfortable.... and free. It was exactly what I needed, to remind myself who I am and what I really want out of life. 

I also suspected I would be somewhere new when I turned 30 - and I was right. While I'm not particularly far from where I was (about a 5 minute drive in fact), I am no longer at home with the parents. I'm sharing a lovely flat with one of my best buddies, and it's pretty sweet for the time being (we have our sights set on coastal shores...).

So - 30. What's going to happen in this year? Well, so far, it's been all kinds of wonderful. 

I celebrated my birthday with good food, wine and friends (a tried and tested combination). I then celebrated my best friend's upcoming nuptials at her Hen do in London, complete with afternoon tea, a competitive treasure hunt and some light clubbing (with the most expensive vodka in all the land). 

Towards the end of last year I also found myself a pretty wonderful man (thank you Tinder) and last weekend we had our first weekend away together in Brighton, eating sushi, drinking questionable cocktails and people-watching on the pier. 

Finally, this week I was promoted at work - hurray! Like I said, all kinds of wonderful. 

The rest of my 30th year is shaping up to continue the trend with the wedding of the century taking place next weekend (YAY!), friends' 30th birthday celebrations, a new car (I want this one, sorry dad) and perhaps a cheeky beach holiday with the girls.

Yup. Think I'm going to like this decade. 

Costa Rica

Loving life (and having my hair chewed by SOTW pup Mellow)

I'm back! OK, I've been back in the country a while - but hey, I'm back to Limbo! As you'll know if you read my last post, I recently went to Costa Rica for two weeks to do a photography and yoga course and... it. Was. Awesome. Every now and then I just get a hankering for an adventure, and this was certainly that.

When I arrived after my very long journey (13 hours, plane change in Madrid, yawn) the first thing I noticed was the smell. The country smelled.... lush. I don't know how else to describe it. It smelt luscious, green and basically how mother earth should smell. It was also very humid, which I welcomed wth open (/sweaty) arms after the cold drizzly weather at home.

I arrived at the school at about 6pm. I was greeted with a coconut to drink, had a quick tour of the school and was shown to my room. I felt so jet-lagged that I was dizzy and genuinely thought my room was swaying, so decided it was probably best to head to bed. Of course then there was the loudest, most intense thunder storm in the world, but I still managed to sleep for a good 12 hours. 

My days at the School of The World went like this: Wake up, shower, eat cereal/breakfast bar, go to photography class, wander around town, find lunch/iced coffee/fruit smoothie, go to photography field trip, take a shitload of photos of incredible things, come back to the room/hang out by the pool, go to yoga, get bitten by all the mozzies, shower again, go out for dinner, drink rum at Swell surf bar, get bitten by some more mozzies, sleep.

It was a routine I quickly adapted to. I also got one free weekend while there and am pleased to say I took full advantage. On Saturday I tagged along with some students to do a canopy zipline tour, so basically was zooming around the rainforest at a great height thinking 'I might die but this is AWESOME'. On Sunday a few of us woke up after 2.5 hours sleep (...that was a fun night!) to visit Manuel Antonio national park. We explored, made friends with naughty monkeys and racoons and swam in the sea - perfection.

Highlights: Listening to Carlos talk about art / The sunset at Playa Blanca / Stepping well and truly out of my comfort zone on the canopy zipline tour / Dinners at the Greenroom / Iced caramel macchiatos / Lunches at the Soda / Seeing parts of Costa Rica you wouldn't normally see on photography trips / Doing my first headstand in yoga (for 10 seconds) / Dancing after too many mojitos / Almost being robbed by a racoon / Thanksgiving with new friends.

I won't lie and say it was all perfect - felt a little like an outsider at the school during the first week. I'm a self-confessed introvert, so chatting to strangers (especially in the big groups we were often in) was difficult. And yeah, during the first couple of days I did wonder whether or not I made the right decision to do this - but as is almost always the case with things like that, it got better. I got to know people gradually in more one-to-one style interactions and by the second week I felt truly at home. 

I would definitely recommend going to School of the World - the staff, the accommodation, atmosphere - all of it was perfect. And the country is just stunning. I can only hope to return one day and see more :) Until then, I'll just look at these pictures...

mindful

Before I went away to Thailand a few years ago my sister gave me some sage advice for when I was out there:

"Every now and then just stop. Take a breath. Look at where you are. Take in the moment and enjoy it."

And I did. When I look back a few moments come to mind that are firmly locked in my memory. One of those moments wasn't even particularly special - we were in the back of a bus on our way to the Tiger Temple, and I stopped, looked around at the scenery and thought to myself 'holy shit, I'm in frickin Thailand!!' and I just felt a huge wave of happiness.

This Sunday I fly out to Costa Rica for a couple of weeks to do yoga, learn how to take better pictures and explore a new country. While I'm out there I'm going to make sure I do this, take in every moment and be mindful as often as possible.

I'm a big believer in the concept of mindfulness in general. Allow me to put on my 'work' hat for a minute... many studies have found mindfulness to be an effective tool for stress, anxiety and depression. 

I've downloaded several apps to try and get in the habit of mindfulness meditation, and while I have never managed to build a habit, I get the gist and use it when I'm feeling anxious or apprehensive.

And the thing is, I will feel apprehensive before I travel. I hate the process of travelling. I know I will be fine when I get to where I'm going, but flying alone, changing planes at Madrid and rocking up to an unfamiliar country where I know no one is a little scary to me. 

So I want to be mindful at this point too. Instead of getting lost in 'what if' thoughts about the future ('what if I get lost and miss my connecting flight?' 'what if no one arrives to pick me up at the airport?') I will take everything one step at a time and focus on the present. I will enjoy having time to read/listen to podcasts on the plane. I will focus on my feelings of excitement. I will breathe and I will be OK.

Then I'll get there, see the sunshine and be mindful again because, holy shit - I'm in frickin Costa Rica!!!!

I won't be blogging while I'm out there, but I will definitely post a picture-heavy blog when I get back... until then, here's to living in the moment :) 

intuition

When it comes to making decisions, do you listen to your heart or your head? I propose you ignore both and check in with your gut instead. This is where (I think) your intuition lives. 

It's that niggling feeling tugging at you saying, 'something isn't right.' And after you ignore it, it becomes that sinking feeling in the depths of your stomach, shouting at you, exasperated, saying 'seriously dude - WTF?'. 

I've experienced both and even though I've become far better at recognising these sensations as my intuition, I still find myself ignoring them... especially when it comes to relationships and dating. It's only natural. There are a million arguments racing around in your head, ready and waiting to talk you out of listening to your gut. You rationalise (head) or you get caught up in the emotional power of it all (heart). 

For me, I tend to do both. I rationalise a lot. I make excuses and say, 'maybe if I do this differently, it'll work' or 'maybe if we just give it time, things will be better'. I also get blinded by the intimacy, because, let's face it - it's really nice to have that intimacy with someone when you're dating them. You share a part of yourself and make yourself vulnerable. It can be hard to throw that away just because your intuition is poking at you from within.

But the more I've grown (and dated) the more importance I place on these feelings. They haven't steered me wrong yet, in love or my work life. So if you're unsure about something, a relationship, a friendship, a job - whatever - I implore you to take a step back and check in with your gut feeling. Don't think about it with words and questions - just feel.

 A quick Google of 'how to listen to your intuition' came up with the following tips:

Do something creative
Meditate

Journal about it

Ask yourself the question and answer with the first thing that pops into your head

The thing is... it's one thing listening to these feelings and giving yourself a pat on the back saying 'Ahh yeah, nice one intuition - I hear ya', it's an entirely different thing actually acting on it. That takes courage. Hell, it takes 'guts'. And that's the thing I still need to do a little work on.  

30 things to (not) do before 30

In just under six months I will be turning 30, an age which has become quite the milestone for many. There seems (in my opinion) to be a common thought that rattles around the heads of those about to turn 30...

Shouldn't I have my shit together by now?

Apologies to any readers who do, in fact, have their shit together - this post isn't for you (oh and congrats). I suspect it is this thought that's responsible for those '30 things to do before turning 30' lists people make. Like a bucket list of things you want to do/achieve before turning 30 (even though, hopefully, you won't be dying at 30).

In my younger days I would have been SO up for doing this. I loved a checklist. As I've gotten older however, I've come to kind of hate them. I still love lists and setting the odd goal, but the idea of having to complete a checklist before a certain age makes me cringe a little. 

I see self-improvement as an ongoing thing and something I want to take my time with. I also don't like the fact that a lot of the things on those '30 before 30' lists are to do with society's expectations - 'have a baby', 'buy a house' etc.

I just think they put a bit too much pressure on you to reach a 'criteria'. So instead, I thought I'd write up a list of things I won't be doing before I turn 30 (take that society!). Some I've come up with myself, some have come from other people's lists and websites. Here goes nothing (ha, literally):

30 things to not do before 30

1. Buy a house - I've covered this in a recent post, but yeah I can't buy a house now. I do however love my rented flat! It's pretty and feels like home to me :)

2. Get married - I think it may be considered a bit forward if I propose to the guy I've been seeing for a month. Even more forward to demand a wedding in five months... Nah, better leave that one. 

3. Have a baby - Even if I got pregnant like, now, that isn't physically possible. Besides, there's no room for a baby in the flat.

4. Run a marathon - I will happily support my friends who are planning to run marathons (go Mike and Em!) but I will be doing so on the sidelines, probably with a slice of cake. 

5. Run anything - Yeah, I don't like running.

6. Become fluent in another language - Habla un poco Espanol, is that not good enough? (that spanish is probably wrong)

7. Climb a mountain - Those guys on the trailer for 'Everest' look like they had a bad time.

8. Go blonde - My hair is bronde (blonde-y brown) and I get all pale and ghost-like whenever I try to go too dark or light. How very boring.  

9. Lose 10lbs - If I did this I would probably lose my butt and boobs. And I quite like my butt and boobs.

10. Write a book - I know, I know, I'm a "writer" shouldn't I want to write a book? Maybe one day. A very short one. Online. Like a blog! Oh wait... 

11. Travel the world - There's a whole lot of world out there bruh, why the rush?

12. Skydive - I don't really like being on planes, let alone jumping out of them.

13. Do a bungee jump - If I need an adrenaline rush I'll look at how much student debt I have left to pay, thanks. 

14. Pull an all-nighter - I can barley make it through a Saturday without a nap, let alone drink/dance till dawn.

15. Get a new job - No, shan't. I like my job thanks *smugface*.

16. Learn to paint - I have a colouring book for adults and a pack of colouring pencils... I'm set.

17. Get a(nother) tattoo - I have enough ink for the time being thanks, I'm sure I'll get more after 30 though *cough* sleeve *cough*.

18. Learn how to knit/crochet - Umm, I have nothing clever to say about this one. I'm just lazy.

19. Get a piercing - Been there, done that and I have the scarring to prove it. Don't need any more scar tissue thanks. 

20. Start a business - It just sounds like a LOT of effort.

21. Invent something - Again.... effort.

22. Fire a gun - This was actually on someone's list. I hope I don't need to write an explanation as to why I won't be doing that.

23. Troll a celebrity - Again, legitimately on a list I found online, Internet you suck. 

24. Live abroad - I would never rule this out for the future, but alas I don't think it will happen this side of 30.   

25. Be a fashion victim - Another odd one I found on someone's list. Their justification was that after 30 you are basically too old to wear clothes that are deemed 'fashionable'. I say wear whatever the hell you like. 

26. Make a million - I would have to do some very questionable/illegal things to make that much money that quickly.

27. 'Find yourself' - Thankfully I have this wonderful contraption called a 'mirror' which I can use whenever I lose myself - hey, there I am! *waves*

28. Get Botox - I don't judge anyone who goes down this route, it's just not for me. I like moving my face.

29. Break a world record - Unless it's for 'most sarcastic 30 before 30 list in the world'.

30. Make a list of 40 things to do before 40 - I won't need to. I'll definitely have my shit together by then, right?  

What will you not be doing before 30?

new chapter

This weekend I packed my life up into boxes and moved out of my family home. The move has been a long time coming (to say the least) and I am so excited for this new chapter. It's strange, I think the universe got the memo about my move as other areas of my life are changing too. It's as if everything's shifting up a gear.

So, although I am surrounded by boxes and feeling a little stressed - I am also deliriously happy. So far this new chapter is looking pretty damn sweet. 

a note on love

There's a girl sitting in a coffee shop, drinking a latte and reading a book. She does this every Saturday at 11am, hoping he'll come back. He (let's call him Josh, she likes that name) is her soul mate... he just doesn't know it yet.

She met him three weeks ago. OK, met might be the wrong word. She was waiting for her sister to finish work and pretending she was at ease sitting alone in the coffee shop. She played on her phone and fidgeted in her seat like an impatient child - why couldn't she just relax? Then Josh walked in. He was her type and he smiled at her. She smiled back. As he walked away with his grande Americano, he looked her way again and said, "have a good day." she blushed and said "thanks, you too".

Since then she had written their love story in her head. He would come back to the coffee shop, see her sitting there reading his (probably) favourite book and feel compelled to say something. He wouldn't know why, but he would have the feeling he had met her somewhere before. They would talk, she would charm him with her quick wit and self-deprecation and he would say "we should do this again sometime". She would say "Il'd like that" and they would exchange numbers.

They would then start dating. Every date would cement their future as they felt more alive than they ever had before. They would go back to the coffee shop every year on their anniversary, smiling at the serendipity of their meeting.

She could see it so clearly. 

Looking down at her watch she realised it was 2pm. Josh was nowhere to be seen and she had to go meet her sister. Another week would have to pass by without her soul mate. She sighed heavily and left the coffee shop.

********************************************

How often have you done this? Dreamt up a romantic scenario about someone you don't know? Or perhaps you do know them, but not very well. Do you fantasise that they have all the same tastes as you, that you love the same films, the same music and have the same outlook on life? I used to do it a lot at university. I fell in love on a weekly basis. 

There was this one guy who looked a little like Alex Zane and while we never said a single word to each other, we caught each others eye a lot. Then there was the friend from my course who I didn't know I liked until it was too late - I would imagine us meeting years later and me telling him I was sorry for being a pretentious bitch. Hell, I still think about the date I 'rain checked' on now when I see pictures of him looking happy with his girlfriend.  

I think at university I struggled with being alone. Probably more than I realised at the time. I think that's why I would lose myself in these scenarios, it was my way of coping with being lonely. After uni I wasn't single for long. And after that relationship I only had three months of being alone before I got into my next relationship. So I think now is the longest time I've been single since I was at university.

And I'm realising that while I am certainly more comfortable being alone now, I still have a pretty active imagination when it comes to love. A quote that always comes to mind when I catch myself in these daydreams is:

"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the slightest bit of attention?" - Joel, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.

It resonates.... which, I'll admit, is slightly depressing. But I'm working on it. I'm trying not to let my mind become overrun with 'what if's' about the past. I'm trying not to think about an alternate timeline where I made a different decision, and we lived happily ever after. I'm trying not to dream up scenarios about the people throwing me compliments like scraps of food to a dog. I'm trying not to over-think situations and create drama in my head, because - quite frankly, it's exhausting. 

I'm sitting with myself and trying to let that be enough. Because it should be.

I'll end on another quote on love,

"We accept the love we think we deserve." Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Now this quote is supposed to be about how people fall into bad relationships because they don't believe they deserve real love. What's ironic is that I didn't think I deserved my last love. I didn't think I was worthy of it for a long time. And even though it didn't work out between us in the end, it taught me that there is hope and that I do deserve it. There are good people out there, and I don't have to dream them up in my head.

adventures

I met someone recently who was re-training to be a 'wealth advisor'. I mentioned to him that I was planning to rent somewhere with my friend and that I was currently living with my parents. He told me I should stay put, save more money and then buy a house. Inside I sighed and thought 'oh please FUCK OFF', but I smiled politely and explained why I didn't want to do that. 

The closer you get to 30, the more and more people/society put expectations on you, especially when it comes to money. You should be investing in property. You should be earning X amount per year by now. You should be driving this kind of car..... etc.

I think I'm actually very fortunate in the way I was brought up. Money was never part of the conversation. I was never taught that I needed money to be happy or successful even. And I thank my parents for that. Money has never been a motivator for me. Sure it's nice, and life is a lot easier when you have some - but I value happiness over money every time. And that's why, when I do spend it, I spend it on experiences.

At the beginning of the year I said I wanted this year to be one of discovery - and to me, a big part of that means travel. So I was so thrilled when my friend invited me along with her, her fiance and nine of their friends on a weekend trip to Budapest.

We went last weekend, and I think it's safe to say it was the most I have laughed all year. The city is beautiful, the food is delicious (if not a lil' calorie-laden) and the bars are INSANE. There were six different nationalities in our group and it was fascinating to hear everyone's stories.

 It reminded me what a big, beautiful planet we have here, and you can't put a price on that.

So, to summarise - no, I won't be buying a house anytime soon. I will one day (when I can afford it) but until then, I'm going to get excited about my new rented flat, I'm going to spend my money on adventures and I'm going to have zero regrets.

How do you spend your money?

how to be alone

OK, so I'm fully aware that the title 'how to be alone' is going to make me sound like a complete hermit who hates socialising - so let me preface this post by saying this isn't true. I love meeting new people, socialising, spending time with my friends etc. It just so happens that right now, I'm not doing this as much as I used to. This is partly because I'm single... and that's kinda what I want to talk about.

When you're in a relationship, a lot of your time is spent with others. With your partner, with their friends, with their family - and of course with your own friends and family. So when a relationship comes to an end, that time is cut in half. And you may find yourself alone more than you use to be. At first, this only emphasises the pain and loneliness that inevitably comes with a break-up. You might think to yourself 'who am I without him/her?' 'what am I supposed to do now?' and, as scary as it may seem, this is exactly what alone time is for. To answer those questions.

Of course, before you get to this point there are usually a few potholes to navigate. Going out drinking and kissing strangers may seem like the perfect antidote to this fresh loneliness, but the hollow feeling you get the morning after will quickly make you realise this isn't true. And wanting to get close to others is a perfectly natural reaction, but it won't really help. Instead you've got to get close to you. Remind yourself of who you are as an individual. What makes you tick? What are your passions? What do you really want for the future?

And so begins the fun. Because that's what it should be. Through trial and error, you can use this time (before you get into a new relationship) to understand yourself better. What have you learnt from your last relationship? What won't you compromise on next time? What will you do differently? And once you understand yourself, you're in a far better position to share yourself.

So, what should you do during this alone time? And, unless you're a social butterfly with a million projects on the go, there will be time to fill (coming from the girl with zero plans this bank holiday *waves*). Of course, everyone is different and I am certainly no expert, but here's what I've been doing and what I would recommend:

Address your health

Healthy body = healthy mind. One great thing about having extra time is finally having the time to get fit. Eating better, yoga and spinning are making me feel far more confident and happy.

Read more

When the glare of the computer/TV screen gets too much, I stick some music on and read. On holiday I read 'Quiet - the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking' and it was somewhat of a revelation. I understood why I did the things that I did and even why certain things fell apart in my last relationship. Try reading something that speaks to you.

Challenge yourself

It's easy to not bother with this one and keep on living the easy life, but what are you learning? I challenged myself to cook more and be braver with my driving this year, and while I am not ready for an appearance on Masterchef just yet, and I definitely still have some issues to overcome with my driving - the small achievements (like cooking dinner for my family and driving certain routes without my satnav) keep me motivated.

Say yes more

When it comes to social invitations, saying no is easy. You can feign an illness, blame work or pretend you never got the email. Saying yes can feel harder, but it is almost always more rewarding. 

Go on an adventure

Go on a day trip by yourself. Go see something you've always wanted to see, but didn't have the time before. Go on holiday. Go travelling. I've booked myself a two-week yoga/photography course in Costa Rica in November to develop some skills, meet new people and experience a totally different world for a bit. And I can't friggin' wait. 

Learn something

What subject did you love at school? What hobby did you love as a child but never do now? I loved Spanish at school, but when I studied it at A-level I was more interested in my first real boyfriend and skipping classes. I decided to rekindle my love for Spanish with an app (Duolingo) and a grammar book and I'm loving every minuto. 

Watch something of substance

Disappearing into a Netflix-shaped hole is pretty standard when you first get out of a relationship, but at least try to make some of the shows you watch informative. In-between episodes of Community and Daredevil, I'm watching Human Planet and TED talks for a little mental stimulation.

Do something to free your mind

Thinking too much has become a 21st century epidemic. If I had a penny for the number of times my mind has wandered back to the past since I've been single, I would be writing this from my yacht in the Caribbean. I'm trying a few things to overcome this, most recently I've been colouring in. I wrote a blog at work about the therapeutic benefits of couloring in and thought, that sounds nice. So this weekend I started colouring in this book and, yeah, it is nice. My mind is relaxed but focused, giving it some much-needed downtime.

I don't know when I'll next be in a relationship. I could meet the love of my life tomorrow, or it could be years down the line. Either way, right now, I'm enjoying this alone time. Sure, there are twinges of sadness/loneliness/regret that seep in from time to time, but that's life. That's being human. So don't beat yourself up if you're not ready to 'seize the day' every day. That's what chocolate, Grey's Anatomy and cat cuddles are for ;) As long as you treat yourself with love and understanding, you'll be on the right track.