The worst of me

I promised some actual writing, so here it is. I'm going to be brave and lay the worst of me on a platter for you (whoever you may be). As I'm sure a lot of writers would say- the worst of you always seems to produce the best writing- or is that just me? Either way here are a few carefully selected segments of my random writings over the past four years. I started writing random thoughts at uni and have built up over 7000 words of thought. Usually about my crap love life. To clarify these were all written when I was unhappy, or happy and being melodramatic. Take each word with a pinch of salt- I'm not really this depressing, it just makes for better writing. And looking back I realise how lucky I am now to have Antony (the boy) in my life. Anyway, enough mushy talk, here is the worst of me.

Tuesday 7th June 2005, 01:24
And so she is home, comforting herself with empty spaces, knowing the complications aren’t in this house. She warms up to her inner voice, smiles at the faces she wants to see. The faces she wants to block become like recurring nightmares, scenarios playing over in her head while the birds tease her to insanity. At least there is safety in the knowledge that they are all far away, both in distance and in time.

Saturday 13th May 2006, 17:18
This gaping space has become horrifyingly normal for her. She stares at the cracks on the wall whilst a numbness hits her hard. These painful dreams, these reincarnated tears, these broken record memories are wearing her thin. Injecting hearts onto her arm brings a smile before the jealousy rips it back. Her awkward hurt is now a companion. Something to hold to when there is nothing. Blank thoughts dance across the screen while the vague knife stabbing her does so without question nor answer. Shattered pieces of her pleasant memories get strewn across the town for her to photograph like a tourist.

Tuesday 29th August 2006, 18:37
The only thing raging in her chest is anger. Anger at him smothered in confusion. How dare he make her fears reality? How dare he throw her back to the wolves? What right does he have to crush her, what right do any of these men have? After doubting herself she screams to songs and allows the anger to flow. She screams at the self abuse, she screams at every thought leading her down that path, she screams for every scar on her body.

Sunday 11th March 2007, 16:59

There are no more tears to cry for the moment, she is sore and weary from drowning. Hope of this ending, hope of a release has died. Suffocated from her own breath, she sends a coffin full of hope off like a paper boat in a never ending sea. Slowly it falls into the distance as she accepts her fate. And what a fate it is. Collapsed on a bed of dreams she remains fallen. She accepts the pain and stares into it with no fear. She is beyond fear. She is beyond everything.

Friday 25th January 2008, 17:58
What to do on this remaining scrap of innocence? Begging to be defaced, determined to die dirty. With what graffiti to mark this canvas with? Words of wonder elude her as the irritant of strangers after her services grows. Just words she thinks. Destroy it with words and the actions will follow.

Sunday 18th May 2008
She has figured herself out. She is a writer that cannot spell. She is an artist trapped inside the body of someone that can’t draw. She is a creative that lacks the talent to transform her dreams into realities. There is only frustration, no fruition. This is all about to change she whispers to herself. Everything around her is dusty, begging to be cleaned. A new chapter is opening up. Change is upon her, and finally- finally, she embraces it. She revels in it in fact, it is becoming a new hobby. Routine and formalities have driven her to stagnant waters. She looks forward to newly appointed challenges and makes a pact with herself. Do it now, do it before it’s too late.

Thursday 12th June 2008, 01:33 AM
How can music do that? Reach into the bottom of your soul and reveal to you long forgotten emotions. God she loves it. These early hours are the best, when all are asleep but her and her new best friend- Mr Joslin. Oh how you move her, recreate tears that fell years ago. She thought they had died, gone forever- but you found them. You have decorated her sketched face with the artful little shapes. You are reminding her what her calling is, showing her it needn’t all be electrical nonsense- just passion. And her loves, (oh her loves), losses and continuing loneliness, you’ve found them too. Her mind is shooting scenes every second- various men take their turn in the role of leading man. He’s in bed with her and holds onto her naked skin for dear life. And you, good sir, are their soundtrack, and you are infuriating their imaginary passion and her real hurt. She thanks you for it, truly, nothing has moved her this far for years indeed. I think it was the push she needed to finally approach the belly of the beast. ..and secretly enjoy it.

Wednesday 30th July 2008, 12:29 AM
The lower half of her body has lost feeling. Sometimes she wonders if she will be able to walk again. Stuck in limbo she looks inwards for inspiration and entertainment. Her daydreams, as usual, provide the best. Another love interest has entered her life- but like so many others, he is planning to leave. Another relationship that will die prematurely. Perhaps the stranger she runs into every three years is the one for her. Fate certainly seems to want them to meet- how else would he have found her after all these years?
Her boredom needs a new word, the current one doesn’t begin to explain. She has too much time to think and at times she wonders if she will loose her mind. Thankfully all this is giving her fingers incentive to type, to record, to provide evidence. For if she truly disappears, as she fears she will, at least this will stand as proof. She lived! She wrote! She loved! She slept.

Monday 3rd November 2008, 15:47
He walks tall and with a purpose. His smile when he sees her is all she thinks about. When she’s with him all she feels is calm and supreme relaxation- there are no games being played here, no false words or stomach flips. When she sees his passions surface she smiles to herself. A man without passion or dreams is one without love. He has opened her eyes to a bigger world and reunited her with her own love for life and the accompanying soundtrack. His knowledge and fierce intelligence astounds her. His caring hands wrap around her instinctively. And she loves it.
Her romantic history to date has been full of hurt and bad luck…he has become her lucky charm, changing all of it in an instant. Others have tossed her to one side- but she thanks them for that, she was put there for him to find. Even fate seemed to want them to meet- bringing them together again and again in chance meetings over the years. Well, she thanks you fate for leading him to her. She knew there was a plan behind your games and is glad to finally see what it was. It was you.

Making plans

You know what I've noticed? nothing....and I mean NOTHING ever goes according to plan. I've been writing life plans since I first picked up a pen- nothing exact, just rough outlines of where I want my life to go. Hell it's one of my favourite pastimes. Yes, I've had many a life plan jotted in my diary and each one falls through for one reason or another.

After realising my future travelling buddies wanted to wait a bit longer for the adventure than me (totally understandable considering they're both on track to have fantastic careers and want to focus on that right now) I have decided I will have to do it alone. I've decided not to do the 6 month around the world thing yet either, because frankly- I'll never have the money for that. So now I'm thinking just a month or two doing a volunteer project somewhere. Possibly Fiji or Thailand. Maybe I'll just leave and see where the metaphorical wind blows me. As long as it isn't Camberley I'll be happy. Then when I come home I want to move out. Possibly to Portsmouth with friends, possibly Brighton alone. I would like a beach to dream by and a city to play in. I need somewhere with a music scene and writing jobs. For some reason the notion of picking up my life, moving to a new city alone and starting again totally enthralls me. I think it would be so refreshing. Obviously I would keep in contact with everyone...but to just be somewhere new and make a new life for myself. God it would be good.

But as I said, nothing goes to plan. I'll probably end up in the north pole living with an Eskimo and his pet seal. So I have an even better plan. Stop planning and enjoy the present. I live in my head too much, planning and scheming for the future when I should be sitting back and enjoying what I'm doing today. What is that quote? "Happiness is not a destination, it's a way of travel." Very true. Must remember that. And I have enjoyed today- a day in bed with my boyfriend watching 'Leon' and eating Chinese. Life's too short to get carried away with plans.

That is all I have for today. Next time I promise to write about writing or jobs I have- this is supposed to be a writers blog not an online diary...I guess even that one didn't go to plan.

Happy Halloween kids

Beginning of the twist

Well, it's been a while since I've had a little type on here hasn't it? The reason? I got a new job and was chucked even further into my personal limbo with it. The job is at River Island. I'm back where I started, literally gone full circle on myself. I am now the 'menswear product manager', which basically means I'm in charge of making the menswear floor 'visually appealing' and merchandise their stock for optimum sales....I move clothes around and dress mannequins. I had three weeks of training in Guildford and ending up travelling in between my sisters (where I stayed) and my boyfriends. During this three weeks my sisters old room at home became transformed into my new room and my old room became a holding room for my vast amount of crap that I've accumulated over the years. So in short- I was living out of a suitcase without a room to call my own, training for a job I didn't want and learning to love public transport. Pretty much my limbo optimised.


I'm pleased, however, to report that things are starting to settle down now. I started my job (officially) yesterday in Camberely.....and actually quite enjoyed it. I'm planning on keeping my eye out for any writing jobs in Camberley and if anything fantastic comes along I will bid farewell to the world of retail finally. In the meantime I'm going to enjoy what I do and have fun with it- after all it isn't forever. And I know I'll enjoy it more when pay day finally arrives (God I've missed paydays). I will continue to write in my free time (have idea's for a new short story and am now officially a contributor to the 'Don't Panic Media' website) and will start FINALLY saving for my travelling adventures.


I have started to move myself into my new room and am starting to feel at home. And I can now use my day's off productively, I can write and write and write until my fingertips bleed. I can steal all of my boyfriends music, lie back and get my official education. Speaking of the lover and music, he came up with a great idea of us putting together a fanzine. It is probably a dying art form now, but with his immense musical knowledge and my not-completely-crap writing skills, I really think we could make something good. It would be a fun hobby whilst adding nicely to my portfolio. And hey, might even make some money! After that we'll open our own independent record store/coffee house.....then of course the record label.....



In the words of the beautiful Kate Hudson in 'Almost Famous': "It's all happening"

(I don't know why there's three pictures...I can't delete one of them....lets pretend it was intentional art....I hate technology- where's my typewriter?)

Bestest Bestival Bever

Well that was fun wasn't it? Finally had the proper muddy festival experience. And yes, I'm going to write all about it (you know you care...). Set off Thurs evening with some uni buds (Luke, James and Lucy) in Luke's tiny fiesta. Did I mention he passed his test a week ago? Oh and that he had a sense of impeding doom? Yeah, I feared for my life. But turned out he was a great driver and had a lovely journey despite being squished by piles of bags. (Ferry check in man to Luke- "Just the two of you yeah?" Luke- "No, there's two more in the back, under the stuff" Me and James- *muffled crys* Ferry man- "Oh wow, you guys alive yeah? haha, go on through.")

Anyway- we got there! Pitched our tents (thank you Luke for helping me, I'm not the camping type apparently...) and after settling in to our new homes promptly got told by security that we were camped in a 'fire lane' (?!) and had to move by ten the next morning or our tents would get chucked. So that was nice. I slept for about five minutes that night and wondered what I'd let myself in for as the rain and wind threatened to blow me and my tent away. Anyway, upped and moved the next morning to a new spot and got ready for day one of soggy madness. Day one rained. A LOT. Thankfully my mum (bless her) lent me a pink and purple waterproof which saved me from pneumonia, and gained me cudos for my retro 80's look. I love that the less you bother to look cool the cooler you evidently become. We wondered around the site looking in on various tents, had a little dance and raved on.

James found the hidden disco which turned out to be the best place to warm up, dry off and rave it up, we spent a lot of time in there! Me and Luke headed to the main stage to watch The Foals and Pendulum as the heavens opened up. But when you're jumping around to you're favourite songs- who gives a s**t? The weather did put a bit of a downer on us that evening and Luke and I seriously considered sleeping in his car (mmm, heaters) but we decided Luke should instead move into my tent (His tent was pretty wet and I needed another body to warm my tent up) and we both had a much better nights sleep.

I'm not going to ramble on about every detail, as I'm starting to bore myself already. So I'll stick to some highlights!!! Which were:

• Pendulum and Foals in the rain (quote, JJ- "When does it ever rain this much...ever?!")


• Every trip to the hidden disco


• The wicker mushroom!


• Our neighbours on the campsite who provided genius comedy every morning. I would write some quotes....but it would offend too many people. Haha.


• Seeing Laura Marling (front row)


• Dressing up Sat night and posing for photo's (Me: "What does a fish do?")


• James' epic walk home alone. (Random to James at the tent: "Man, I was with you all the way. That was epic, I've seen March of the Penguins...that had nothing on you. Highlight of my weekend dude!")


• All the cool people we met


• The last night, "Wellies!", Legal (but should be illegal!) highs and Underworld.


• All the quotes: 'Man up woman!', 'Man down!!!', 'Swig on...swig on'

The people I went with made it the bestest bestival and I love them all. Bring on next year :D

This is me......I'm a fish.

Even more determined....

I turned the shoe shop job down. I decided if I have to work in retail I would rather not pay for the pleasure (Travel costs to Guildford etc.). So I'm back to unemployed. Massive mistake or liberating accomplishment? Somewhere in between I think. I have since signed up to an agency who are determined to find me a job where I can use my degree. But how long will that take? A month? Two? I can't go any longer without a job. I have an interview for a management position at River Island tomorrow. I used to work there part-time. Is pretty much a massive step backwards, but right now I hardly have a choice do I?

On the plus side- I'm off to Bestival tomorrow evening to forget about work stress and find myself....in the hidden disco. I'm going to dress up as a clown fish (fancy dress theme is underwater), paint my face, drink too much and dance like a mental patient. Then I'm going to come back, sit in the bath for hours, sleep, cuddle up to my boyfriend and get offered a fantastic job. How exciting :)

Right now I have a pile of travel brochures just dying to be perused. So I think I'll put on some Laura Marling, flick through them and dream about the future. Because that is my favourite thing to do. That and dressing like fish apparently.

Determined

Right, so I've finally got a job. It's another shoe shop. It's not a manager position...or assistant manager....or even a supervisor. I'm just going to be an assistant, standing around looking desperately for a foot to dress. Fantastic. I haven't started yet and already I don't want to go, (could ya tell?). It just isn't what I want, but what is it they say about beggar's and choosing? Bloody sayings.

I've just applied for an amazing job in communications, the job spec sounds perfect for me. Maybe they will call me before I start at shoe land and save me from a year of commuting and desperate boredom. God I can feel the dull details of every day wearing me down already. I need a job where I can develop skills, build up experience, use my degree for something!! I want to be challenged everyday, I want to feel excited about projects- I want more than stock takes and sales chatter. I am going to get what I want, I've decided. Life is too short to waste on stop-gap jobs. Why not forge a career before travelling and then have a wealth of experience to draw on when I get back? It is such a shame I live where I do, Camberley isn't exactly alive with media jobs. We'll see.

Feeling determined this evening. I blame the CD I'm listening to (a 'gurr rock' mix CD my new boyfriend burnt me), it is amazing and really getting my blood pumping. I want to take over the world right now. I have a gorgeous new boyfriend, amazing friends with whom I'm having the best summer with, a festival to look forward to, a slight tan, more freelance music journalism work coming up....It would be wrong to muddy my good luck right now with a crappy job. I will go to my new job with professionalism and a smile- but I will continue to look for something that holds my interest. Because at the end of the day, as lovely as shoes are, they're just shoes..... and I don't want to turn into a girl that makes orgasm noises when she sees these:

God they're like Barbie's sex shoes.

The good times

This is one of those blogs written purely for blogging's sake. I'm happy today and I feel the need to share.....

Have had the best weekend with my girls. Went to London for the day for a friends birthday. It rained all day and I didn't buy anything, (getting poorer every day here kids), but I don't think I've laughed so much in a long time. From getting my hat caught in three umbrellas (yes, that's right THREE), giant cupcakes, Coca Cola floats, to a windswept tube ride and "Have it"- a fun day was had by all. It made me realise two things:

1) I have to live in London at some point

2) I love my friends more than anything

Nice realisations really. I just had one of those weeks where I felt truly relaxed for the first time in a long time. I wasn't panicking about career, future, love, life- I was happy and laughing all the way. And I have some more exciting things to look forward to: A 4th date (has been a while since I've had one of those), a holiday to Majorca (now officially booked and paid for) and Bestival festival (flowery tent, wellies and Laura Marling- heaven). So the remainder of my summer is looking really rather rose tinted at the moment. I know after the clouds will roll back in, I'll panic about my total lack of money or job opportunities. But hey, by then I might have found a pretty little job. It's all about positive thinking I have decided.

I will have a sweet remainder of summer.

I will laugh more and more and more.

I will get onto the 5th date.

And I will find a job that pays well and will set me up for my travelling adventures....

Anyway. I'm off- if anyone wants me I'll be here:

MUSACK

I Like music. I like it a lot. Recently I've found myself attatched to my laptop via headphones in the early hours of the morning. Sometimes I pretend to be reading, but usually I'm just listening and daydreaming little scenarios to match the musics pace. I know I should go to bed, I feel my little eye lids begging me to close them, but alas, I cannot leave the music. Someone (with excelent music taste) stole my i-pod when I was in Southampton, so now my only fix is from my laptop- much to the annoyance of my housemates. And by housemates I mean parents.



Anyway, the point of this blog is to write about music and tell you who I'm currently obsessing over (because I know you care...ahem). Anyway here is my list of lovelies you NEED in your life:

• Russell Joslin- My friend Zoe introduced me to this gem. His music is breathtaking. Blusey and Brilliant. Please, if you do one thing find his song 'Dirty Company' it will move even the stoniest of hearts. He's also on myspace with tracks ready to download: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=28379445

• Lyla Foy- Found her after stealing some freebies from the office of a magazine I did work experience for. She is folksy and fantastic. Her song 'Cinderella' is my favourite. She's on myspace too- just search for her.

• Laura Marling- Another gem from Zoe! She may possibly be the love of my musical life. She's collabarated with The Mystery Jets and Noah and The Whale (more on them later), Please listen to 'My Manic and I' and 'Night Terror' I implore you :)

• The Black Keys- Their new album is a keeper

• Micachu & The Shapes- Another steal from the freebie desk, find 'Golden Phone' very electro but cute at the same time

• Officer Kicks- Sent to me to review, 'Mona Lisa' is their best track, they're Britains answer to Kings of Leon. About time!

• Pendulum- We all know these guys, the new album has me in a trance. Best track is saved till the end in the form of 'The Tempest'

• Vampire Weekend- Their album might just become the soundtrack to my summer

These are just a few things I'm addicted to at the moment. I seem to be wavering between electro drumb n bass to blues-y folks-y summer-y tunes. It's all great stuff and makes me remember why I'm bothering to pursue a career in music journalism.

Last tip- Go search on youtube for the video from 'Noah and The Whale' for their song '5 years time' featuring Laura Marling is cute and summery and I love it :)

And here's a musical picture...just for kicks

Invisable

Have you ever felt like a ghost? Like you are slowly but surely disappearing off the face of the planet? I'm beginning to wonder if I am in fact just a figment of someones imagination. Every attempt I make at communicating with the outside world seems to be going unnoticed. I've sent out countless CV's, I've had interviews where I thought I shone, but was apparently forgettable. Most responses have been- 'yeah you're nice...almost got it, but um, no, not quite.' Makes me a little mad when the shop assistants they have in store are 16 year old chavs who consider happy slapping a desirable past time. I've got a degree for Christs sake! Every time I get asked "You studied writing...why don't you get a job in that?" I want to sit them down, gently and scream at the top of my lungs- "ITS NOT THAT EASY." Then calmly leave. I can't even tell them it's a temporary state of affairs before I skip off around the world. I have to pretend that retail is my calling and I won't be happy until I've satisfied every customer. (I meant that in a non-sexual way....don't read into that.)

Even in the writing world I appear to have drifted off radar. I have submitted to six sentences and just now (literally before I started typing this) a short story to Cherry Bleeds. But I doubt I will get a response. Just as I have so far received none while asking for internships at music magazines.

I do wonder if maybe it's because....I'm not actually very good. Maybe I'm middle of the road, not exceptional, not good enough for publication. But then I read books of 'literary works' by some guy (I forget his name) that rings full of crap like "I had a girlfriend once. My legs friggin hurt. I need money. I have a headache." OK so those aren't direct quotes, but it's not far off and if he can get published then surely I can?

Perhaps I'm expecting too much too soon. I don't think I've lived enough yet to be good. I need more experience, more worldly knowledge and graceful wisdom. If I just continue to do what I'm doing and never stop, then one day someone will say "Yeah alright then- here, write a book." You think? I hope so. Because unfortunately that is my only choice. I would not be able to give up, writing isn't a hobby. It's a necessity. Like H2O and vitamin C.

God I wish I worked in I.T.

Ahh life would be good.

I want to be a sponge.

A metaphoric sponge that is, (Spongebob really gives me the creeps). Yes, I've decided I want to soak up some new information- and lots of it. I want to sit down next to a pile of books, put some music on, make myself comfortable and read until my eyes bleed.

For the past few hours I've been raping the amazon site looking for inspiration. And I've written a nice long list of what I want.

I want fiction: 'Apples' by Richard Milward, 'Invisable Monsters' by Chuck Palahniuk, 'Naive. Super' by Erlend Loe and 'Pieces: A Collection of New Voices' a book full of short stories from new writers. And so many more.

I want Philosophy (basics, for beginners that kind of thing- I don't want to melt my brain yet).

I want Psychology and all subjects relating: 'Essays in Love' by Alan de Botton.

I want photography/fashion: Vice photo book, Nylon 'Street' and 'Play'

I want travel: (anything with pictures to dream with.)

I want Illustration: 'The Picture Book: Contemporary Illustration.'

I want to learn and feel my little neurons sparking again.

More than that- this list has turned into 'stuff I want to buy.' I'm kinda using the whole thing as an insentive and motivation to earn some dollar. I want a holiday to Mallorca to see my friend living out there. I want movies: 'Into the Wild' (amazing film), 'Once' (a modern romance) oh and 'I'm Not There' (Bob Dylan film). I want albums and new favourite bands- I've done a whole seperate list for that bad boy. I want subscriptions to fashion and literary magazines. I want more tattoo's. I want new shoes and a plaid shirt. And please won't someone buy me a pony?

I digress. Lists are fantastic. I have a list of things to nurture my mind and it's terribly exciting. Yesterday I wrote (wrote? that's a lie, I typed it up...) my favourite list though- my aspiration checklist. Complete with little pictures found on photobucket. I won't bore you with the details, but it's got everything I want to do on there and is serving as a great reminder to stop lying in bed till noon and bloody do something. I just wish everything didn't rely on money- makes me sad. Even volunteering abroad, something I want to do, costs a s**t load.

Must focus on the lovely free things in life. Like hugs, and jokes, and kisses, and umm...sunny walks, and dancing, and compliments, and naps, and daisies....and the like. Yes loverley freebies- let's focus on that and forget about the neverending lists of material needs :s

I like ending with a picture, here's something free and lov-er-ly.

Aww isn't that sweet. I might just go throw up a little. Bye.

Getting the fear...

Ever seen 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'? Seen the bit where they get 'the fear' in that circus? That scene pretty much epitomises my state of mind at the moment (minus the drugs and carousel). I spend so much time thinking about my future, where I want to go, how it's going to fall into place effortlessly as a falling feather etc. etc. And it looks great. It looks awesome and I cannot wait to get there, but you see, this is where it sets in. The panic. Gripping me like a fist around my chest. What if it doesn't happen? What if things don't turn out like the photo album in my head? What the hell do I do then?

You see- panic. Not good. But then again- shit, I'm only 22, I've got plenty of time to figure it out right? And I've got plenty of time to screw it up and start over. So why this unrelenting panic? Actually, I know why it is. It's this god damn limbo messing with my head again. I'm not working- ergo not doing anything...ergo thinking too much....ergo panicing...ergo- is that even a word or did I just make that up? Whatever, point is- I've got a few things to do this coming week...

• Chillax (I hate that word, but needs to be done)


• If no word from retarded retailers settle for an office job.


• Review CD's for the-mag (in turn adding to portfolio, in turn feel more productive!)


• Remember life will not forever reside in Camberley and in said office job.


• Life will be full of beaches, funny photographs, lovers, laughs and all that Jazz.


• Listen to Russel Joslin more. His music makes me feel as peaceful as a sedated monk.

This entry was supposed to be full of lightness wasn't it? I'll end with some. I've had some heart warmingly fun times the last couple of weeks including:

laughing till it hurt in Zoe's kitchen, drives in Fi's new jeep, drinks by the Quays, Nacho's and gossip in my front room, birthday dinners with innaproriate chatter, throwing shapes to The Kings of Leon and even kisses with a painfully pretty boy. Not bad. Not bad at all. What was all that fear crap? Chatter from a crazy girl thats what it was...

Here's a happy picture to make you smile:

Favourite words, depressing words and fantasy words.

A few things to cover in this edition of Kat's non-working limbo livleyhood. First off I want to make a list of some favourite words. I love lists (they provide some sort of order in my otherwise chaotic mess of a life) so here's one:


Fantasist
Ostentatious
Ethereal
Kudos
Encrusted
Phenomenon
Torturous
Willowy
Scribble
Intensity
Distraught
Void
Lunacy
Illicit
Lust
Deface

Wow, got a little dark towards the end there didn't it? Appologies, I just like words that evoke emotion- whatever that emotion may be!

Now what next? Ah yes, the depressing words (Slightly fictional I should add), here are some 'rambles' I wrote when supposed to be working in a lil shoe shop in Southampton. I loved working there, but we all have bad days- and when you work alone with a total of five customers a day, it's easy to go a bit nuts...


Friday 26th April 2008, words from work. A bad day.
“Today needs to be over. There’s a pain lying in my head. A beast that’s making its home. Not even the finest pharmaceuticals can help- its been here ten days. I keep forgetting what I’m doing and where to put things- I forget why I’m here. Something isn’t right here. My thoughts keep confusing themselves, getting tangled- I think they’re even enjoying it?
My body can’t decide if it’s hot or cold. Every movement goes in slow motion. People watching is making me dizzier than usual. Colours are offending me. Their accents bother me. I’m losing the will to fight or question- a smile and a nod. That’s all they want anyway. I feel stoned but I’m not. I keep shuffling papers to prove I’m ok. I’m high on Anedin extra. Perhaps it’s the added caffeine? Is it the pain making me confused- or does it hurt because I’m confused? No, don’t contemplate things- it only angers the beast. Everything inside is falling to a darker shade of grey while my demeanour turns overtly sunny.
To do lists are piled up alongside empty pill packets- a visual representation of the past few days. Thank God for the music. Probing and poking around, trying to tease an emotion to remind me that yes- it is all real. Apparently this isn’t another superior nightmare. I can’t DO anything. I shudder to think how I’ll get home. I wish everyone else would go home. I need to collapse. But I’ll wait until they leave so as not to embarrass myself. Occasionally specks of static dance around my vision…that’s not right is it. To market to market. Fuck off all of you to market. Time’s moved unusually fast- what sort of day was it? Busy? Quiet? How was the footfall? I cannot recall. To market with me I thinks…”


Thursday 1st May 2008, more thoughts at work. Another bad day.
“Change the light bulb!
Try not to cry over it/him/they. Let’s be more than this. I’m too tired for work today. I want the ground to swallow me and cradle me in its pitch black warmth where I can rest and rejuvenate, ready to be reborn into a woman that doesn’t care.
Humiliation rises and falls to torment and remind me of my place. As if I could forget. Rejection from someone you don’t desire is the worst. No one wants your services this week. Tossed around. Flung to the ground like dirty socks. I can’t help but to be disgusted with the human race today. The words, the venom they spit at all hours- its exacerbating the pain in my head. The hurt those words can inflict. “To be blunt.” Yes, you were quite weren’t you. A blunted mallet swung into my chest. Honesty is bullshit. Give me kind lies any day. Sweet forgeries I can smile at with a pleasant naivety. But no, you declare blunted truth and flatten me against the wall. Well fuck you all very much.
How eloquently one can murder time by writing and lobbing thought spit all over this clean white sheet. What a treasure for the once bored.”

Good to know I made use of my time at that place aye?

Last but not least- (actually, proabably least), here's a quick bit I just wrote for a Nina Ricci competition, I had to write a fantasy...or something along those lines.


She tightens the ribbon on her chiffon dress and breathes deep before entering the blues bar. Wooden coated and vanilla scented it comforted her weary soul, as it did every night. She took her usual stance by the window, lit her cigarette and watched the first artist set up. One man and a guitar. Gravely voiced with heart-felt playing, she marvelled at how much emotion he evoked with such simple tools.
She watched breath-taken, subdued, and fantastically aware (as usual) of her nightly admirer. He wiped the dirty glass behind the bar and noticed the perfect way she moved her shoulders in time to the music, just like she did when she first walked in all those years ago.
He watched her, watching him and smiled at their silent but knowing love. One day they would speak, but for now actions were louder than any words longed to be.

Heavy entry no? I'll make the next one light, sunny and full of candy kisses I promise.

Arriving in Limbo...

Wow, my first blog. I feel nervous, like my first sexual experience- except there are less bushes here and I'm not drunk.

I've started this blog in an attempt to wake my brain up from hibernation and give it a reason to get up in the morning. I had a good three years working it hard at Uni- and grabbed myself a nice 2:1 in Media Writing in the process. After that I worked in the relatively exciting world of retail in the city I studied in. I had fun- I continued to act/drink/dress like a student, but this time I had money (not much, but still). Then I got restless, my feet got beyond itchy. And so now I've decided it's time to see the world- travel, live, explore, love. One lil' minor detail...travelling the world, it seems, is kinda expensive (who'da thunk it?) so I'm now living back with my parents struggeling to find a job in the retail world to fund this epic future adventure.

And no, I haven't found anything yet (hence the blogging phenomina). I could give in and temp in an office somewhere but I fear my brain would give up completely and abandon me if I did that- so no, I'm home day in day out hunting for jobs on the internet and occasionally wondering the town for vacancy signs. So combine that with a conscious effort to put off 'writing career' until after my travels and I have arrived in Limbo. It could be worse. Then again it could be better. To summarise it's so-so, but atleast my cat has a day-time companion.

I'm hoping this blog will rejuvinate my poor sedated mind and keep it slowly ticking over until a job arrives. God know's what I'll write in it, probably narcisistic rambles of my boredom. All spelt wrong. I may add the odd short story- perhaps sections from my novella? Maybe some music reviews I've done. If I can figure out how to post pictures, I'll certainly give that a go. I am terrible at spelling, grammer and anything technology-based... perhaps not the best candidate for a blogger/writer/whatever, but I'm going to make the best of what I've got. I hope you enjoy.

Xx