Sunday, 16 October 2016


Oneirology - the study of dreams

I have a tattoo on my ankle of the word 'somnio'. It means 'to dream' in Latin. I got it because I've always thought of myself as a dreamer, in every sense of the word. I almost always remember my night dreams, I can get lost in a sea of daydreams and I can while away hours dreaming of the future, what it'll look like and who'll be there at my side.

I've been thinking about dreams lately, and how our subconscious often does a much better job of telling you how you're feeling than your conscious. Here are some dreams I've been having a lot lately.

Teeth falling out

I had this one last night. I was losing my voice, unable to speak more than a whisper and then my tongue gently prodded at my bottom tooth. It easily flipped up out of my gum and I spat it onto my hand. Terrified, I felt the rest of my teeth with my tongue to check they were intact, and of course the gentlest of nudges simply pushed them free from my mouth.

Previous dreams of this nature involve my teeth crumbling, making me retch on the fragments, choking on myself.

What it means: According to Google this common dream can mean any of the following: 

Transition (something in your life changing)
Insecurity (feeling like you aren't being treated right, doubting yourself)
Anxiety (scared of losing control/something important to you)
Sexual repression (Oh Freud, it's all about sex with you isn't it?)

Needing a toilet, but they are all too disgusting to use or don't have locks

Urgh, this is horrible. I find myself wandering labrynth-type buildings on the hunt to find a toilet, only to be met with ones that are so incredibly disgusting I can't use them. Or they'll have no lock, or no door. Or there'll be hoards of people watching. Not pleasant.

What it means: Apparently the bathroom is where one deals with their own 'crap' (ahem). 

'When a dream states that the bathroom is dirty, full or back-flooded, then it means that process of addressing one’s own crap is amiss. It can also symbolise a lack of privacy in one’s life, but more often is a result of neglect on the part of the dreamer.'

Lucid dreams

When I know that I'm dreaming and can take control. If I'm in a scary dream, I can change the outcome or wake myself up. Sometimes, I'll have a little fly - just because I can.

What it means: According to Wikipedia - 'In Eastern thought, cultivating the dreamer's ability to be aware that he or she is dreaming is central to both the Tibetan Buddhist practice of dream Yoga, and the ancient Indian Hindu practice of Yoga nidra. The cultivation of such awareness was common practice among early Buddhists.'

I do have nice dream sometimes, but lately they seemed to be full of shadows and doubt. I've dreamt of past relationships, me driving cars I've never driven before to get away from them, failing to carry out simple tasks at work...

Ironically though, my daydreams are full of sunshine. I'm fabricating scenes from a desired future, willing them to manifest. I'm picturing the way my life will look and feeling an incredible sense of serenity and calm. It's like I'm in a storm, but I can see clear skies on the horizon.

There are people in my life right now going through their own personal storms and today I felt the weight of their clouds. For some, the storms are hurricanes... obliterating life as they knew it, making mine seem truly like a storm in teacup. 

Regardless of the size or nature of these storms though, I think what I'm trying to say is that we all go through them. And that's the key bit - we go through them. We reach the other side, where the clear skies and sunshine are hanging out, blissfully unaware you were anywhere else. 

My storm is my own creation, allowing stress to build and fuelling it with inactivity and wine. Next week I've got a break in Cornwall to look forward to. I will breathe the sea air, look to the clouds above and take in my surroundings, whatever the weather.  

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

the best and worst 30-year-old purchases

In September I got my deposit back from the flat I was living in and a bonus from work. I was also living back at my parents so had less outgoings than normal, this made the following statement pop into my head:

"I'm going to start saving for a house!"

Haha - nah, not really. It was this:

"I'm going shopping!"

And thus, over the following weeks I made (and planned) some purchases. Some of which were fun, some of which were downright depressing. Here they are:

The fun things

A 'proper' handbag 

I've never been a huge 'bag person'. I buy them very rarely and usually out of necessity rather than longing, but recently I began hating my existing work bag with a passion I didn't know I had. The lining was coming away, it felt clumpy, there were too many compartments - every time I threw it over my shoulder I did so with a disgruntled sigh. So I decided now was the time to invest in something a bit longer-lasting and 'grown up'.

I wanted black. I wanted leather. And I wanted simple (chic, non?). I found this from Whistles and fell in love. The price tag however, I didn't love so much. But I was feeling flush so said 'fuck it' and made the purchase. It arrived yesterday and I love it. 

Yes, it is smaller than my old bag with less compartments and yes I have had to streamline my bag contents (my old oyster card, random red lipstick and Rennies didn't make the cut), but I still love it. It will last me longer than my usual bag purchases and makes me happy as I stroll into work feeling like a Vogue editor.

A million jumpers from Zara

OK, I may be exaggerating a tad there. But seriously, have you been into Zara recently? Their knitwear section is what us constantly cold folk call 'nirvana'. I got the same jumper in two colours, a cardigan and a green top which I'm still not sure I'm cool enough to pull off, but hey. 

This influx of clothing prompted a wardrobe clear out this week, summer stuff has gone into storage, winter stuff has returned and a bin-bag full of old/stretched/under-worn pieces is on its way to a better place (The British Heart Foundation). My wardrobe is still pretty full, but I can now see every item and have shiny new things to wear. I know things shouldn't make you happy, but sometimes they bloody well do. 

Fancy perfume

Oh Jo Malone. Why did I have to fall for you so hard? You are so lovely but so damn pricey. When I was sniffing testers in Jo Malone trying to justify the expense I just told myself, "You're in your 30s now, just bite the bullet and hand over your card. One day you'll (probably) have things like a house and children to pay for - now is the time to enjoy the finer things in life." 

So yes, I now flounce around smelling like jasmine and mint. And that's just fine. 

New shiny, pretty car

I haven't bought it yet, but I'm going test driving this weekend and have my deposit burning a hole in my pocket. This is an exciting car purchase for me, my current car is my first car, and as lovely as it is, it's old, the heating doesn't work and it's stuck on Radio One. It's getting chillier now and I've always been more of a Radio 6 gal anyway, so the time has come to make an upgrade.

I think I'll end up with a mint green Fiat 500 - which is just the right mix of pretty and reliable (keeping both myself and my dad happy). 

The less fun things

Dental floss

I don't know why, but I find buying dental floss the most depressing thing ever. It's probably because my dentist never believes me when I tell him I floss, so part of me thinks 'what's the point?'... but equally, it's a habit now and I feel gross if I don't floss - so I have to buy it. See? Depressing.

Skinny jeans

After having my back to a camera and being filmed at a recent work event (I was talking to someone at an expo), I noticed my grey skinny jeans are no longer skinny. They are baggy and unflattering. I therefore need to replace them - yay I thought! More clothes shopping! After finding out that my trusty Gap jeans don't come in grey (WTF?) I ventured online and found a pair at HnM.

I ordered the size I would normally get at Gap and got excited for another cheeky wardrobe addition. They arrived today and after battling with them for 20 minutes, I came to the conclusion that they might be just a little too small. And too long. Which obviously means I have gotten both shorter and fatter since I last went jeans shopping. Brilliant. 

Instead of sucking it in, I've decided to suck it up (heh) and order the bigger/shorter size. I will also be living in the gym from now on and wandering the streets trying to locate those missing 2 inches in height.


The most boring of all purchases, right? Every time I use my TV remote I moan as I have to pummel the battery pack into submission to get the damn thing to work, making a mental note as I do so to buy batteries. 

This has been going on for like, 2 months, until today when someone at work picked up batteries at lunch and reminded me to get some too. Feeling slightly lifted, I congratulated myself at 'adulting' and buying batteries. I then came home to discover my dad had some in the house all along. All those remote slaps for nothing. 

So yeah, these are a few fun and less fun purchases of a 30 year old. 

Not entirely sure what the point of this blog is except to say, it's nice having a little more money than I used to, to spend on such purchases. I'm going to start saving for things like flat deposits next month (after the car purchase!), but it's been fun being a little frivolous in the meantime. 


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