Tuesday, 29 July 2008
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Aww isn't that sweet. I might just go throw up a little. Bye.
Sunday, 20 July 2008
- Chillax (I hate that word, but needs to be done)
- If no word from retarded retailers settle for an office job.
- Review CD's for the-mag (in turn adding to portfolio, in turn feel more productive!)
- Remember life will not forever reside in Camberley and in said office job.
- Life will be full of beaches, funny photographs, lovers, laughs and all that Jazz.
- Listen to Russel Joslin more. His music makes me feel as peaceful as a sedated monk.
This entry was supposed to be full of lightness wasn't it? I'll end with some. I've had some heart warmingly fun times the last couple of weeks including:
laughing till it hurt in Zoe's kitchen, drives in Fi's new jeep, drinks by the Quays, Nacho's and gossip in my front room, birthday dinners with innaproriate chatter, throwing shapes to The Kings of Leon and even kisses with a painfully pretty boy. Not bad. Not bad at all. What was all that fear crap? Chatter from a crazy girl thats what it was...
Here's a happy picture to make you smile:
Monday, 14 July 2008
Wow, got a little dark towards the end there didn't it? Appologies, I just like words that evoke emotion- whatever that emotion may be!
Now what next? Ah yes, the depressing words (Slightly fictional I should add), here are some 'rambles' I wrote when supposed to be working in a lil shoe shop in Southampton. I loved working there, but we all have bad days- and when you work alone with a total of five customers a day, it's easy to go a bit nuts...
Friday 26th April 2008, words from work. A bad day.
“Today needs to be over. There’s a pain lying in my head. A beast that’s making its home. Not even the finest pharmaceuticals can help- its been here ten days. I keep forgetting what I’m doing and where to put things- I forget why I’m here. Something isn’t right here. My thoughts keep confusing themselves, getting tangled- I think they’re even enjoying it?
My body can’t decide if it’s hot or cold. Every movement goes in slow motion. People watching is making me dizzier than usual. Colours are offending me. Their accents bother me. I’m losing the will to fight or question- a smile and a nod. That’s all they want anyway. I feel stoned but I’m not. I keep shuffling papers to prove I’m ok. I’m high on Anedin extra. Perhaps it’s the added caffeine? Is it the pain making me confused- or does it hurt because I’m confused? No, don’t contemplate things- it only angers the beast. Everything inside is falling to a darker shade of grey while my demeanour turns overtly sunny.
To do lists are piled up alongside empty pill packets- a visual representation of the past few days. Thank God for the music. Probing and poking around, trying to tease an emotion to remind me that yes- it is all real. Apparently this isn’t another superior nightmare. I can’t DO anything. I shudder to think how I’ll get home. I wish everyone else would go home. I need to collapse. But I’ll wait until they leave so as not to embarrass myself. Occasionally specks of static dance around my vision…that’s not right is it. To market to market. Fuck off all of you to market. Time’s moved unusually fast- what sort of day was it? Busy? Quiet? How was the footfall? I cannot recall. To market with me I thinks…”
Thursday 1st May 2008, more thoughts at work. Another bad day.
“Change the light bulb!
Try not to cry over it/him/they. Let’s be more than this. I’m too tired for work today. I want the ground to swallow me and cradle me in its pitch black warmth where I can rest and rejuvenate, ready to be reborn into a woman that doesn’t care.
Humiliation rises and falls to torment and remind me of my place. As if I could forget. Rejection from someone you don’t desire is the worst. No one wants your services this week. Tossed around. Flung to the ground like dirty socks. I can’t help but to be disgusted with the human race today. The words, the venom they spit at all hours- its exacerbating the pain in my head. The hurt those words can inflict. “To be blunt.” Yes, you were quite weren’t you. A blunted mallet swung into my chest. Honesty is bullshit. Give me kind lies any day. Sweet forgeries I can smile at with a pleasant naivety. But no, you declare blunted truth and flatten me against the wall. Well fuck you all very much.
How eloquently one can murder time by writing and lobbing thought spit all over this clean white sheet. What a treasure for the once bored.”
Good to know I made use of my time at that place aye?
Last but not least- (actually, proabably least), here's a quick bit I just wrote for a Nina Ricci competition, I had to write a fantasy...or something along those lines.
She tightens the ribbon on her chiffon dress and breathes deep before entering the blues bar. Wooden coated and vanilla scented it comforted her weary soul, as it did every night. She took her usual stance by the window, lit her cigarette and watched the first artist set up. One man and a guitar. Gravely voiced with heart-felt playing, she marvelled at how much emotion he evoked with such simple tools.
She watched breath-taken, subdued, and fantastically aware (as usual) of her nightly admirer. He wiped the dirty glass behind the bar and noticed the perfect way she moved her shoulders in time to the music, just like she did when she first walked in all those years ago.
He watched her, watching him and smiled at their silent but knowing love. One day they would speak, but for now actions were louder than any words longed to be.
Heavy entry no? I'll make the next one light, sunny and full of candy kisses I promise.
Thursday, 10 July 2008
I've started this blog in an attempt to wake my brain up from hibernation and give it a reason to get up in the morning. I had a good three years working it hard at Uni- and grabbed myself a nice 2:1 in Media Writing in the process. After that I worked in the relatively exciting world of retail in the city I studied in. I had fun- I continued to act/drink/dress like a student, but this time I had money (not much, but still). Then I got restless, my feet got beyond itchy. And so now I've decided it's time to see the world- travel, live, explore, love. One lil' minor detail...travelling the world, it seems, is kinda expensive (who'da thunk it?) so I'm now living back with my parents struggeling to find a job in the retail world to fund this epic future adventure.
And no, I haven't found anything yet (hence the blogging phenomina). I could give in and temp in an office somewhere but I fear my brain would give up completely and abandon me if I did that- so no, I'm home day in day out hunting for jobs on the internet and occasionally wondering the town for vacancy signs. So combine that with a conscious effort to put off 'writing career' until after my travels and I have arrived in Limbo. It could be worse. Then again it could be better. To summarise it's so-so, but atleast my cat has a day-time companion.
I'm hoping this blog will rejuvinate my poor sedated mind and keep it slowly ticking over until a job arrives. God know's what I'll write in it, probably narcisistic rambles of my boredom. All spelt wrong. I may add the odd short story- perhaps sections from my novella? Maybe some music reviews I've done. If I can figure out how to post pictures, I'll certainly give that a go. I am terrible at spelling, grammer and anything technology-based... perhaps not the best candidate for a blogger/writer/whatever, but I'm going to make the best of what I've got. I hope you enjoy.