Have you ever felt like a ghost? Like you are slowly but surely disappearing off the face of the planet? I'm beginning to wonder if I am in fact just a figment of someones imagination. Every attempt I make at communicating with the outside world seems to be going unnoticed. I've sent out countless CV's, I've had interviews where I thought I shone, but was apparently forgettable. Most responses have been- 'yeah you're nice...almost got it, but um, no, not quite.' Makes me a little mad when the shop assistants they have in store are 16 year old chavs who consider happy slapping a desirable past time. I've got a degree for Christs sake! Every time I get asked "You studied writing...why don't you get a job in that?" I want to sit them down, gently and scream at the top of my lungs- "ITS NOT THAT EASY." Then calmly leave. I can't even tell them it's a temporary state of affairs before I skip off around the world. I have to pretend that retail is my calling and I won't be happy until I've satisfied every customer. (I meant that in a non-sexual way....don't read into that.)
Even in the writing world I appear to have drifted off radar. I have submitted to six sentences and just now (literally before I started typing this) a short story to Cherry Bleeds. But I doubt I will get a response. Just as I have so far received none while asking for internships at music magazines.
I do wonder if maybe it's because....I'm not actually very good. Maybe I'm middle of the road, not exceptional, not good enough for publication. But then I read books of 'literary works' by some guy (I forget his name) that rings full of crap like "I had a girlfriend once. My legs friggin hurt. I need money. I have a headache." OK so those aren't direct quotes, but it's not far off and if he can get published then surely I can?
Perhaps I'm expecting too much too soon. I don't think I've lived enough yet to be good. I need more experience, more worldly knowledge and graceful wisdom. If I just continue to do what I'm doing and never stop, then one day someone will say "Yeah alright then- here, write a book." You think? I hope so. Because unfortunately that is my only choice. I would not be able to give up, writing isn't a hobby. It's a necessity. Like H2O and vitamin C.
God I wish I worked in I.T.
Ahh life would be good.