Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Crisis of Confidence

Ooops, have been a tad neglectful of my little blog this week haven't I! The truth is I've been working my lil' tush off in an attempt to see if sheer hard work and determination can make up for a naturally sparkling talent. Just having one of those weeks where you wonder whether or not what you have to say or do....matters? I'm working two jobs at the moment, one writing for a fashion website (which I love) and one working at my local Paperchase (which will pay the bills). Both are great, and although the 6/7 working day weeks are hard to get used to, I know it'll be worth it in the long run, when hopefully I can just do the one I love.

At least I hope it will be. Having a proper crisis of confidence at the moment. Some people are just born with natural talent and seem to slide through life easily and happily, doing what they love and getting praised for it. Then there are the other lot, the group of people that seem to be constantly working against the tide, clawing their way to the top, only to look around breathlessly and wonder why everyone else is higher. It's a frustrating and wobbly climb, let me tell you. What I want to do is within such a competitive market, I just don't know if I truly have what it takes.

This is a very defeatist post, I know, and unusual for me, (usually optimistic to the point of lunacy), so I do apologise. I know in a couple of weeks I'll get a rave review from someone when I least expect it and be on top of the world again. But right now I barely have time to sleep let alone dream, and who are we without dreams? Cripes, got a bit deep there. Thank god for writing. One of my lecturers at university said something that really stuck with me,

"There are three types of writers in this world, one who wants to get rich, one who wants the pretentious title and the other that has no choice but to write. It isn't forced or lusted after, it flows from them and becomes an emotional tool. These are the one's that will make a living from writing."


I'm para-phrasing, but that was the general gist. I've always been the one with no choice but to write. It got me through Anorexia, depression and general terrible teenage years. And as I've grown up it's become a friend to rely on when everyone else hides behind protective shields. So in theory, one day I should be making a living from this. We'll see eh? something to hold on to anyway.

In other news, my family love me, my boyfriend is amazing, my friends rock my world and I've had a short story (pg 84-85) and a blog published at Cellardoor. So life is good, and I need to stop wallowing. NOW.


Shell said...

Kat! You've done so well so far, your Cellardoor story was lovely!

Kat said...

Aw thank you :) Feeling a lot better about things today, have had some nice comments about the blog and a music review I did, so pleased about that. Just work at the mo is a bit yuk. Not getting a huge amount of recognition or reinforcement and feel a lil' out of sight out of mind! Gonna head up to the office soon I think, show my face :)

Lauren said...

Ah I hope you feel better soon. We all go through days like those and they blimmen well suck don't they. Hang in there sweet pie, your hard work will pay off x

Kat said...

Ah thank you Lauren, those kinda days do suck don't they! feeling alot better about it all now- I'm just very impatient hehe. But it will all pay off one day, just gotta keep on truckin :)



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